


Asunder

by Sehkmetenkare (Shadowcat)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Dubious Consent, Dubious Morality, F/M, Rough Sex, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-30
Updated: 2012-03-30
Packaged: 2017-11-02 18:52:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 32,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/372212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Sehkmetenkare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once upon a time, Romeo met Juliet and they thought they were soulmates that would be together forever. Then Juliet did something that Romeo disapproved of and Juliet disappeared. Thirteen years later, Romeo has turned into the Big Bad Wolf and he's going to make Juliet regret breaking his heart. Or something like that. Reality being that after a fight where her boyfriend told her she shouldn't come around for awhile, eighteen year old fantasy writer Jhaidan took him further than his word and left town without a word to anyone -- including him. Thirteen years later, Reid is the most powerful man in the state and when their paths cross once again, Reid is going to make Jhaidan regret ever running away like she did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for AngstBigBang

** YESTERDAY **

Jhaidan Matthews stared at Reid Jacobs, trying to gather her thoughts and deal with the anger that she was facing. It hadn't been until Reid had yanked her into his apartment that she realized how much time had passed since she walked thoughtlessly into a bad situation.

Well, no, that wasn't exactly true. She had thought about what she was doing. She had known very clearly what she was doing and didn't let the dangers of the situation deter her from making the decision she made.

She wasn't sure what she had been expecting to happen in the aftermath of her fight with her ex, but this certainly hadn't been it. She wasn't prepared for another fight -- and especially not one with that she was so in love with. She stared at her boyfriend, her emotions waging a battle within her.

"Why, damn it?" He demanded for the second time since pulling her into his bedroom and shutting the door. "Why couldn't you have let someone else handle it? Why couldn't you have waited for one of us? You know that any one of the guys would have gone with you if you couldn't wait for me."

"Because he wasn't your problem, Reid! He was mine and I don't expect anyone else to handle my problems. That's not who I am!" She struggled to keep her temper reined in. The last thing that either of them needed was for tempers to make the situation even worse. "I don't hide behind my friends and I definitely don't hide behind my boyfriend when things get tough. I couldn't come to you -- my new boyfriend -- and say that I was having an issue with my ex-boyfriend making things difficult for me!"

In retrospect, she probably could have responded to that question in a different way.

"You take too many risks. You don't think things through -- especially when it comes to your safety!"

"It's who I am!" She shot back. "I've always taken care of things myself!"

He grabbed her and dragged her to the large mirror over his dresser. "Look!" he snarled, pointing at her reflection. "Look what who you are has done to you! That's not even taking into account all of the bruises that you have that I can't see!"

She stared silently at her black eye and her split lip in the mirror's reflection -- testimony to anyone that saw her what had happened when she went back to her old neighborhood -- and then looked back at him. Her temper was getting close to rising, and she clenched her hands into fists, trying to keep herself in check.

"Are you saying that I brought this beating on myself by confronting him? That I deserved what Michael did?!" That wasn't how she meant to ask him what he was thinking, but the last few nights had not been easy ones and her grip on her control was starting to fray.

Reid stared at her in shock. "No... Jhaidan, that's not what ... I didn't mean that." He took a deep breath and then another. "It's just that you need to be more careful. You need to stop taking so many risks that can get you hurt because I can't go through that, my sanity can't handle wondering if you're somewhere hurt or unconscious. You need to think things through and their consequences. You need to not..." His voice trailed off.

"Not what?" The look in his eyes made everything tighten within her.

"Not come around for awhile."

She stared at him, not understanding what he was saying. When the words finally penetrated the fog around her mind she swallowed.

"I see," she said in a whisper. She let herself slide down the wall until she was sitting on the floor. She stared down at the floor, not able to look at him as she felt her heart breaking. "For how long?" She was surprised how steady her voice sounded. How could it sound calm when all she wanted to do was fall apart?

"I don't know, Jhaidan."

There was nothing but silence for a long time. She felt cold all over and she didn't look up at him. She was trying to keep pulled together when all she wanted to do was start crying and ask him to take those words back. She'd agree to anything if he would just take those painful words back. However, he didn't, and after a long time, she felt him take her hand and pull her gently to her feet. She felt him place his hand under her chin and he raised her face to meet his eyes.

"You're a cat, damn it," he said with a catch in his voice. "Land on your feet."

"Oh shit," she whispered with tears slipping down her cheeks slowly. "Teflon."

"Don't," he said softly, reaching to wipe a tear away. "Don't do this, don't cry. You're strong, Jhaidan, stronger than any girl I've ever met. You just... you need to learn when being the strongest isn't the best way to handle things. Sometimes, talking to others and getting help is the best thing to do."

She certainly didn't feel very strong right now, but she didn't think that she could tell him that.

"This is who I am," she whispered. "I've always been a fighter and I've always been the one that takes care of things by hitting them head-on."

"And that's why we're having this conversation," Reid said, looking down into her eyes. "When I heard that you had gone to see him and no one had heard from you in two days..."

"I didn't realize that it had been two days." Her protest was soft.

"That's supposed to make me feel better?" He shook his head. "I can't do this, Jhaidan. I can't wait here while you run into trouble and not know what's going on or if you're okay. I can't sit and wonder if I'm ever going to see you again or if someone is going to come to tell me that you're gone."

"So, what, we're breaking up because I scared you?" Her voice trembled slightly. "You want me to be someone I'm not."

"It's not that, I mean there's more to it than that." He looked away for a moment and then looked back at her. "Just give me some time, Jaguar. Just give me some time to figure out some things in my head."

"Don't call me that." She moved back, almost out of his reach.

"Why not? You're still my Jaguar," he said. "You're still in my heart. We're just taking some time apart."

"How much time?"

"I don't know."

"I see." She nodded. 

There wasn't much more to say about that, was there? He had already decided what was going to happen and any discussion they had about it was just going to be formality.

"I better go," she finally whispered, pushing away from his wall and heading for the bedroom door.

"Let me get my keys and I'll take you home."

"You don't have to." She shook her head. "Don't worry about it. I can call a cab."

"No you most certainly cannot," Reid said firmly. "Just because I need time doesn't mean that I don't care what happens to you. I'll take you home and make sure you get there safely. There have been enough close calls for my lifetime in the last few days."

Jhaidan didn't argue with him. She was afraid that if she said anything further, she would break down completely and she couldn't do that. Keeping herself as pulled together as she could was helping her get through this and keeping her from promising anything he wanted if he would just not do this. Her heart was in pieces, but she was doing her best not to let Reid see how much she was dying inside. She had enough of her pride left that she wouldn't beg -- not for anything. When they pulled up in front of her apartment complex, Reid didn't turn off his car.

"Jaguar --" His voice was quiet.

"You don't need to say anything, Reid," she said softly. "I get it. I'm too messy and you need time to decide if all of this between us is worth that." She did her best to shrug off how she was feeling. "I'm not that dense."

"That's not what I said," there was a hint of anger in his voice. "Don't put words into my mouth, Jhaidan. You're better than that."

_You didn't say it in so many words,_ she thought, but she didn't say it aloud. She looked down, shaking her head. "Yeah."

"Promise me that you won't go see him again," Reid said quietly. "I need to know that you're not planning to run off to do anything reckless and endanger yourself."

Opening the door, she shook her head. "Not a problem. I think Michael has ruined my life enough for one week." When he didn't respond, she dipped her head, and started to slide out of the car.

"Jhaidan..."

"Yeah?" She turned to him, hope in her eyes.

"I..." His voice trailed off and she swallowed painfully when he didn't continue whatever that thought was.

"No matter what you think of me right now, Reid," she said softly. "I do love you."

She slid out of the car and shut the door carefully behind her. As she walked up the stairs to her apartment, she kept waiting to hear him open his door and hear his footsteps following her. That never happened and she unlocked her apartment door and let herself in. There was nothing but silence around her for about five minutes before she heard him rev his engine in the parking lot downstairs and take off. Once she could no longer hear his car, she slid to the floor and let the sobs she had been holding back come free.

 

When he got back to his own apartment, Reid stopped in his kitchen to grab the first bottle of alcohol he could find and then headed to his room. He locked the bedroom door, telling his concerned roommate to go away that he was fine. Sitting down on the edge of his bed, he let out a harsh sigh, burying his face in his hands for several minutes and trying to get his breathing to regulate again.

He had hated seeing that look in Jhaidan's eyes, and he hated even more that he was the one who had put that look there in the first place. He didn't think that he could have made any other decision than he had. The fear he had felt when he heard that Jhaidan had gone alone to confront her ex had been something unlike he'd ever felt before. He'd heard enough stories from her friends about the kind of guy Michael was and hearing that she had willingly gone to meet him alone ...

Reid sighed and reached for the bottle he'd placed on the floor next to the bed. This was so not how he wanted to spend the night. Hell, he had barely spent a night alone since he and Jhaidan got together.

Maybe that was the problem. They had given into love at first sight -- and usually he was so much wiser than that. Everything had been so perfect and so intense between them that he hadn't stopped to think much about any kind of baggage either one of them might be carrying. He'd known that she was coming out of a bad relationship that had left scars, but he hadn't delved too deeply into the knowledge of that relationship.

It wasn't until she was missing for two days that his thoughts turned to her previous relationship and what kind of situation that had been.

The fear had been all-encompassing and he meant it when he told her that he didn’t know how to react when he had been told that none of her friends had heard from her in the two days since she was known to have gone to see Michael. Every time there was a knock on the door or his cell phone rang, he had expected there to be bad news. He’d expected that he was going to be told that something had happened to her and that she was in the hospital or worse.

That was no way to live, no matter how much he loved her.

That she was standing on her own two feet when he finally saw her was a relief. However, it was a relief that was drastically overshadowed by the bruises that she was sporting on her face. He reacted with emotion instead of logic when he saw her and that had led to their fight and his decision to take a break from their relationship for awhile.

He needed to find peace of mind and clarity, and she needed to think about the potential ramifications of her actions.

They would spend a few nights apart to let their tempers and their emotions cool, and then they would get together and talk things over. They would come together with clear heads and make some decisions about how to handle things in the future.

He'd give it a few days so she knew that he had really been serious about taking some time out from their relationship. Once she had calmed down and had some time to think, she'd realize that sometimes you had to think about other ways to handle a volatile situation that wasn't running head first into the oncoming disaster.

He took another drink from the bottle.

A few days apart wouldn't hurt them.

 

It was a little more difficult than she had expected it to be.

With everything that had happened she expected that making the decision to move and actually doing it would be an easy one. There was something about taking a stand that made her falter only slightly in her mind. This was no longer her place and she didn’t belong in this area any more.

She needed to go, to get away from everything that happened. She needed to find someplace that was completely new and where no one would expect her to go. She wouldn’t heal completely until she got away and she knew that.

Even as she made the plans and she started packing the things she would need, she couldn’t help but look at the door or at the phone.

The fact that they remained silent and had for days only strengthened her belief that she was doing the right thing.

As the last items went into a box, she stopped and lifted up one of her photo albums from the top of the stack. This one was full of the most recent photos from the past few months. She flipped to the back and stared for a moment at the photo there, before closing the album and putting it back into the box. She blinked back the tears that filled her eyes and then taped up the box with a sense of finality in her mind.

She watched the movers load the packed boxes into their truck and when the place was empty except for the items that would travel with her, she swallowed hard.

It was done. She really was leaving.

She didn’t sleep much that night. The apartment was too empty and it just reminded her of everything that had led up to this moment.

Long before the sun came up, she was already moving about the apartment, making sure the final items she would need went into her luggage. When she heard the cab drive up downstairs, she was already halfway out the door. She loaded her bags into the trunk and then got into the backseat. As the driver turned the cab onto the freeway towards the airport, she couldn’t help but look out the back window at everything that she was leaving behind.

It was kind of amazing how taking a stand felt a little like running away.

Or maybe not running so much as feeling that she had no choice but to leave and start over somewhere new. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths to relax. They didn’t help, but it let her focus on something besides how hollowed out and empty she felt with all of this right now. No one knew what she was doing; she had made sure of that. She hadn’t wanted to deal with people trying to change her mind – or someone not caring that she was leaving.

So in her own mind, she was taking a stand. Other opinions might have varied, but this is what she believed she was doing. Leaving and starting over somewhere else was the best way she knew of to heal and to redirect her life onto a new path. It would be a new path that wouldn’t be led by her emotions or any of the pain that she was feeling right now.

Starting over in a new country with a new job and a new life was what she was doing. The job offer had just come through at the best possible time for her. Everything had been up in the air and in flux for her emotionally and the new job gave her some kind of stability.

It gave her the only sense of control she had felt in her life the past few weeks.

She checked in at the airline counter and then made her way through security. Once she was at her gate, she sat down in one of the chairs closest to the door and waited for her flight to be called. She didn’t bother to spend time looking around because there was no one to look for. Instead, she pulled out a notebook from her messenger bag and started writing.

She wasn’t sure what she was writing, only that she needed to get the words and feelings onto paper. She could go back and re-read it later and decide if it was something to save or something to discard. When she heard the attendant announce that her flight was arriving, she carefully closed the notebook and returned it to her bag. She gathered up the things that she was bringing onto the plane with her and walked down the tunnel into the plane without looking back.

It was only when the plane was in the air that she allowed herself the escape of tears.

 

** TODAY **

The small article on an inside page of the morning newspaper jumped out at him. His hands were shaking as he spread the paper on the table to read the article.

**Bookstore to Host Author for Book Signing**

He leaned back against his chair and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

She was coming back.

_...It had been thirteen years since the last time he had last seen her. Jhaidan Matthews had been a free spirit, full of fire, and he had fallen in love with her from the moment he touched her hand and looked into her stormy blue-gray eyes. Unfortunately, the very traits that had made him fall in love with her had also managed to cause them some problems. Finally after one too many times of her fire getting her into trouble and her getting hurt, he had foolishly decided that he had had enough. He had stared into her bruised and battered face---a souvenir from the fight with her ex-boyfriend---and told her that it was over between them._

_She hadn't broken down and cried, but now, he knew it would have been better if she had. He had watched those beautiful stormy eyes fill with despair. She had gone completely silent and stared at his floor. It had been at that moment that he realized that magic did indeed dance around this girl he had lost his heart to. It had gone completely silent around her. If he had known how much he had broken her spirit, he would have taken back those words. Instead, he had taken her hand and pulled her to her feet. He had placed his hand under her chin and raised her face to meet his eyes._

_"You're a cat, damn it," he had said with a catch in his voice. "Land on your feet."_

_"Oh shit," she had whispered with tears slipping down her cheeks slowly. "Teflon."_

_He had held her for a long time and at the end of that long night, he had taken her home and then had come back and proceeded to drink himself into oblivion..._

Now, he stood up from the breakfast table and walked into his library. For a long moment he stood in the doorway, before walking directly to the shelf that he always looked at when he was doing business at his desk.

That night had been the last time he had seen her. When a week had gone by with no word from her, and then another, he had driven to her apartment. When he had arrived, her brother had been less than happy to see him. She was gone and no one had any idea of how to find her. Her friends and family blamed him for her disappearance, and truth be told, he blamed himself, as well. Months had passed with no word, and six months later he had been in the local mall when he had seen the book display.

The name on the book said Morghann Lesconflair, but the title of the book and the writing style were purely the form of his missing Jaguar. He'd read enough of her poetry and short stories when they had been dating that he would recognize it anywhere. Not to mention that he had been the one to help her come up with a pseudonym to use while she was trying to get something of hers published. He wondered if her using that name was meant to be a slap in the face or some kind of acknowledgement to him for his part in her new life – the one that he had been unceremoniously cut out of. Either way, it had served to anger him a little bit. He had immediately purchased the book. Somehow, a new book had come out every year and he had purchased all thirteen of them, always searching for a clue as to where she was or how she was doing. Each time a book was released, he renewed his search for her, only to come up empty handed.

It had served to frustrate him in more ways than one. It also made him angry that she was going through such great lengths to hide from him. He knew that she contacted her brother from time to time, so the fact that he couldn’t find her was like an open wound in his psyche. It had made him more determined than ever to find her – but thus far, his determination had yielded him nothing.

He took down her first book and flipped it open to the dedication page.

**_~~To My Lord of the Valley of the Black Orchids---This Lady of the Raging Fire still loves thee~~_ **

Each of Jhaidan's books had some sort of dedication to him, but that was the only type of communication he had had from her in thirteen years. They were dedications that she knew wouldn't mean anything to anyone but the person they had been intended for; him. She knew him well enough to know that curiosity would drive him to at least pick up her books and glance through them. Each book had a dedication of some kind for him, but they hadn't spoken since that night. She hadn't called or even sent a letter to tell him where she was and that she was all right. She hadn't even had the decency to send him a damn postcard to let him know that she was safe and hadn't done something stupid.

Because, unfortunately, the thought that she had caused herself harm had crossed his mind. Jhaidan had always been of the opinion that a true writer had to try to experience everything in life and the world – the good and the bad. He didn’t know where she had come up with that idea, but it had been one of those things that he had often wanted to shake her over. (Truthfully, the first time he had caught her on the back of someone’s motorcycle had caused his heart to just about stop.)

Not once in all of those thirteen years had he been given any direct contact with her. He regretted that he hadn't spoken with her since that last night when he dropped her off at her apartment – regretted that he hadn’t checked up on her sooner. However, the blame wasn’t only his. She had to shoulder some of the blame since she hadn’t made any attempt to contact him after their last conversation. She had been hiding from him all of this time.

She had been the one to make the decision to hide from him this whole time. She had been the one to decide how things would be left between them.

That would all be changing tomorrow.

She’d had thirteen years to pretend to be someone else and keep herself at a distance from the issues that were between them. For thirteen years she had hidden and avoided him and the past, and now she was out of time.

The thing about unresolved issues and anger was that they tended to fester and then to get worse.

Jhaidan was going to find out firsthand tomorrow why it was a bad idea to leave him with unanswered questions. It was his turn to have the upper hand -- and she was the one who had given it to him.


	2. Chapter 2

His first observation was that she was much paler than he remembered. He took his time to try to see what other changes had taken place in her appearance as he took his place in the line outside of the bookstore. Her hair was still flaming red with copper highlights that she had always favored, but there was something different about her eyes. He frowned as he got closer and was able to see her face clearly. She was wearing contact lenses that hid her natural eye color. Why in the hell would she disguise her own unique blue-gray eyes with something so foolish as turquoise contacts?

Inwardly shaking his head, he paid attention to the way she interacted with each of the customers that came up to her table with something for her to sign. Her voice had a new huskiness to it that she didn’t seem to be consciously affecting. Each time she took a book, she would look down and ask what they wanted her to inscribe, and once they told her, she would look up and engage them in conversation for a few moments. She talked to each customer until the person acting as her assistant would direct the customer into the store or somewhere else so that the next person in line could take their place.

By the time it was his turn at the table, he knew exactly how he was going to greet her.

Jhaidan took the book that was handed to her and opened it up to the front cover. "And how should I make this out?" she asked in a soft and pleasant voice.

"How about starting out with ' _To my dearest Lord, the reason I left without saying goodbye was..._ '?"

Jhaidan's hand clenched around the pen she was holding as she froze and it seemed like it took forever for her to raise her eyes to look into his. "Reid..." she whispered slowly as her face drained of color. She swallowed several times and then she stood up abruptly, knocking her chair to the floor with a loud clatter. "Foster!" she called to her assistant. "I need a break. I'll be back shortly." She then turned and ran for the service entrance.

Reid watched as she bolted, and shook his head. "Oh no you don't, Jaguar, " he muttered as he chased after her. "You're not getting away from me again that easily."

He caught up with her in the service tunnel and was completely surprised by how he found her. She was leaning against the wall with her face in her hands. He grabbed her arms and pulled him to her, looking down at her as her hands came away from her face. She was sobbing, and it wasn't the silent, stoic tears he had seen that last night.

"How could you?" he demanded, letting his worry and his despair bleed out as anger into his voice. He shook her. "How could you do that to me, Jaguar? To us?"

"What do you want from me, Reid?" she whispered between sobs. " _You_ sent _me_ away, remember? You didn't love me enough to want me. I was too messy for your perfectly organized little world."

"God damn you, Jhaidan!" he snarled at her. "I never said I didn't love you. I said..."

She jerked away from him, looking at him through tear-filled eyes. "You told me that you couldn't be with someone as reckless as me. You said that I wasn't the person you needed to be in your life." She shook her head, trying to stop her tears. "You told me not to come around for awhile. You sent me away."

"I didn't send you out of the fucking country!"

"Like hell you didn't!" she snapped back at him, trying to fight her hysterics. "Did you think I could go on as before? Hanging out with all of our friends, seeing you in that close proximity? Being that fucking close to you, and always feeling that loss, that chasm between us? I'm sorry if I didn't measure up to the chart of stoicism and strength that the mighty Reid Jacobs lives his life by."

"You didn't even say goodbye, Jhaidan! You didn't have the decency--"

"Decency?!" she cried out, batting him away from her. "You broke up with me, you sanctimonious bastard. You made it crystal clear that you and I were over. You broke my heart and threw my love for you back in my face, so fucking forgive me if telling you where I was going wasn't the first thought in mind."

"I didn't break up with you, I just said that we needed some time apart to get things into some semblance of an order after everything that had just happened." He shook her again. "You didn't have to leave like that." He growled at her, knowing that he was causing more problems between them with his anger, but being unable to react any other way. She was alive and she was safe...and she was here... He grabbed at her arms again, pulling her closer to him.

"There were so many things you could have said, or done," he spat down at her upturned face. "You didn't have to flee like some princess in some fucking melodrama."

"I didn't flee," she snapped back at him. "I simply took an offer I was given and I left. There was clearly nothing left for me here."

 _I was here..._ he wanted to say to her, but he didn't. Instead he said "Your family and friends were here, Jhaidan. You had a life here."

She looked at him, sadness in her eyes. "No, Reid, I didn't. That ended when you cut me out of yours."

Of all of the things she could have said to him, that was one he hadn't been expecting. His hands dropped from her arms in shock as he reeled from her words. She stepped away from him, wiping her eyes.

"Look, I didn't come back here to cause you any trouble, Reid," she whispered haltingly. "I never would do that to you."

"Why did you come back, Jhaidan?" he asked, his words coming out harsher than he had intended. It was too late to take them back, though part of him wanted to when he saw how she flinched at the sound of them.

"My publisher wanted the publicity of me doing appearances in the province I grew up in. I figured that by now you had gone on to bigger and better things. I never thought you would still be living here, Reid. " Her voice was quiet. "I assumed that you would have gone somewhere that could give you more than this city could." She ran a shaking hand through her hair. "I never would have allowed this part of the tour to be booked if I had known that you were still here."

 _How could I go anywhere else when there was always the hope that you would come back and I could make up for everything I said?_ Reid bit back everything he was turning over in his head. It didn't matter how he felt, she had made that clear when she ran away.

"I never took you for a coward, Jhaidan." He said harshly, needing to say something. "I also never expected to see you go to pieces over a simple little reunion. You must have taken some acting classes while you've been gone because you're really good at playing the emotionally wrecked heroine. I think I've read that book, though. The text is better than the real thing."

He stared at her for a long moment and she drew a ragged breath, trying to push away from him. It took her several tries before she finally managed to speak again.

"I have to go back in. It wasn't very professional of me to bolt like that and I owe my fans more than that behavior." She swallowed, but her voice still shook. "I'm sure Foster will have spun some tale about me being overcome by the memory of love lost or something and that you merely followed me to play the chivalrous knight."

 _Fuck your fans._ "This isn't over, Jhaidan," he warned her. "This isn't over by a long shot."

Jhaidan sighed and shook her head. "What do you want from me, Reid? I'll tell my publicist that we have to cancel the rest of the appearances here for some reason. I'll be a bad memory by the morning and you can forget that you ever saw me again."

"No you will not. I want answers to many questions and a few explanations. You owe me at least that much." He watched her shoulders slump and knew that the guilt card had worked. It always had before and he was glad to see that at least for now, it was still working. He took a pen and a business card out of his pocket and wrote his address on the back of it. "Be there, tonight at ten, Jhaidan."

She looked at him with defeat shining in her eyes. "And if I'm not?" Where she managed to pull up a shred of defiance, she didn't know.

He smiled darkly. "You won't get a moment's peace or relaxation the whole time you're here, Jaguar. I will show up everywhere you are making appearances. I will show up to every interview, every signing that you have scheduled, and don't think I won't. There isn't a place you can go in this city where I won't find you. Trust me. It's very definitely in your best interest to be at my place tonight."

"You won't be able to do that if I leave town right after this signing."

"You'll never make it to the airport until I'm satisfied." He couldn't believe that he was actually threatening _her_ of all people, but he also knew that she would run out of town the first chance that she got. Hadn't she shown him that already thirteen years ago?

"You never used to be this much of a bastard, Reid." There was an emptiness in her voice that he was damn sure he didn't like.

"Thirteen years of worry and betrayal serve to change a man, Jhaidan."

Her shoulders slumped again and she turned away to return to the store she had left in such a hurry.

"Oh, and Jhaidan..."

She stiffened and then turned to look at him. "What?"

He grabbed her by the shoulders and slammed her back against the wall. He tangled one hand in her hair and yanked her head back so he could stare into her eyes. He growled something and slammed his mouth down over hers. Thirteen years of pent up rage and longing went into that kiss. After a long moment, he let her go and threw himself away from her. Once he was able to catch his breath and saw that she hadn't recovered yet, he moved back to stand in front of her. He reached out and gently caressed her face, holding her chin in his hand.

"Don't be late, Jaguar."

 

Jhaidan sat on the edge of the bed in her hotel room. She was turning the business card over and over in her hand. Of everyone to show up at her signings, she had never thought to see him.

Reid...

He was supposed to be long gone. After all, he had had big plans and they were plans that would never have been satisfied in the city where they had met. He should have been far away building dream towers and turning wisps of fantasy into realities of steel and wood.

Thirteen years ago he had ripped her world apart, and she had let him do it.

... _She had fallen hard for him at eighteen and they had only dated for a couple of months when he had dumped her._

_His reasons hadn't made any sense to her at the time, and to be honest, they still didn't make any sense to her._

_"You take too many risks."_

_"It's who I am!"_

_He had grabbed her and dragged her to the large mirror over his dresser. "Look!" he had snarled. "Look what who you are has done to you!"_

_She had stared silently at her black eye and her shattered lip and then looked back at him. Her temper had been close to rising._

_"Are you saying that I brought this beating on myself? That I deserved what Jared did?!"_

_Reid had stared at her in shock. "No...Jhaidan, that's not what ... I didn't mean that. It's just that you need to be more careful. You need to not..."_

_"Not what?"_

_"Not come around for awhile."_

_She had stared at him and hadn't spoken very much after that. After he had left her at her house, she had sat in her chair in the dark and cried the rest of the night. She hadn't left her house in three days and let the answering machine handle her calls. On the fourth day, she started packing and making some calls. On the fifth day, she was gone._...

She sighed and started pacing back and forth, her hands crumpling and uncrumpling the business card.

Was she going to go like he had ordered?

Or...did she dare to call his bluff? He couldn't watch everything. No matter what he said, she could probably get out of the hotel and be on a plane before he even realized that she was gone.

Her shoulders slumped. No, she couldn’t do that again. No matter how much easier it might be to just run away again, she couldn’t. There were things that needed to be said between them and this was probably the only chance that they would ever have to clear the air and tie up the loose ends. If she took off without a word to him, it would add even more regret to the pile she had already been carrying around for the last thirteen years since she had fled Vancouver.

She sighed, leaning against the counter and rubbing her head tiredly at the headache that was building as she tried to work things out in her mind. Thirteen years ago, everything had been done on a kind of auto pilot. She was hurting and convinced that things would never be repaired between her and Reid. When she didn’t hear from him that night or the next, she had found herself breaking down more and more. To her, the breakdown was proof that she was really in love with Reid. When he didn’t call her within a short period of time, she assumed that it meant that he didn’t love her as much as she loved him.

Originally, when she started making plans to do something with her life to deal with the pain, it had never crossed her mind to leave town. Yes, she had considered moving in with friends that weren’t mutual with Reid, and yes she had considered changing her phone number, but she had been reacting with emotion and pain. It wasn’t just the pain of seeming to lose Reid that was driving her, but everything she had experienced leading up to the confrontation with him.

Then the phone had rang and she had been offered a job doing copy editing for a publishing company that she had forgotten about applying for several months before. It required her to relocate and where she might have hesitated originally, she had assumed that there was nothing left for her in Vancouver. She accepted the job and within the week she was on a plane and to a future that had to be better than the present was.

The job had been perfect for her. She was able to be a nonentity in the building and slowly start healing from her broken heart. She worked on other people’s creations during the day and at night she kept up with her own writing.

It had been a fluke that got her first book published. When she dropped off the corrections she had made for her boss, she had accidentally left behind her own manuscript…

Jhaidan sighed again and went to her luggage to pull out her overnight bag. She would take something for her headache and then decide what she was going to do about Reid. Obviously she couldn’t leave things as they were, but she didn’t know how they should proceed from here. She didn’t like the idea of him hating her, but that was far better than him being disappointed in her. Disappointment always cut a lot deeper than simple anger or hatred.

She headed into the main area of the hotel suite so that she could grab something from the mini fridge beneath the bar and tossed back the pills. She looked at the clock on the nightstand and frowned.

She was running out of time.


	3. Chapter 3

Reid smiled slightly as he looked down at where Jhaidan had fallen asleep on the loveseat of her hotel suite. Well, at least he knew that she hadn't tried running away again. He reached down and gently removed his business card from her hand and tossed it onto the dresser. Shaking his head, he gathered her up in his arms and moved through the suite to the bedroom. He laid her on the bed and returned to the outer room to lock the door---after putting the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the outside. He didn't want any interruptions.

He turned down the lights and moved back into the bedroom. He leaned against the wall and watched Jhaidan sleep. He had missed her more than he was ready to ever admit to her. Part of what he had missed between them was the times like this --- when she was sleeping. When Jhaidan was sleeping, all of her attitude and masks were stripped away. At times like this, she was simply the beautiful woman that he had always loved and not the person that she thought everyone was expecting her to be. When they had down time where it was only the two of them, she used to let down all of her barriers and just be herself. He had treasured those times because it showed that she trusted him – or so he had thought back then.

So now he was faced with a dilemma.

He could just leave her to sleep through the night and make sure she showed up at his place tomorrow night -- full of apologies because she had failed to make the meeting he'd ordered her to. Because he had no doubt that she would show up and be apologetic about missing it. Her guilt complex was too ingrained into her psyche for her not to be.

Or...

Or, he could stay right here to guarantee that she didn't take this chance to prove him wrong about how well he knew her to disappear again like she had done thirteen years ago. After all, there was the chance that her guilt wasn’t quite as raw as he had assumed when he saw her this afternoon.

Reid frowned, not liking the path that his thoughts were taking. Nor did he like the fact that it was completely possible that Jhaidan might be foolish enough to try to leave without speaking to him for a second time.

She couldn’t just leave again. He wasn’t going to let the jaguar go until he had gotten some satisfactory answers from her. Knowing their history, that could take some time since the last time that they had discussed anything it had led to the situation that he was currently angered about. He wasn’t ready to let her make the first move when he was no longer as sure that he knew her so well.

His decision made, Reid strode forward and stretched out on the bed next to his sleeping Jaguar. He drew her to him and smiled when she curled into him. Even if she wouldn’t admit to it, her subconscious certainly remembered how well they had fit together.

So he was just going to play to her subconscious, he decided, shifting a hand to rest on her hip as he tugged her closer still. When she didn’t pull away, only made a soft noise and shifted closer, he knew he’d made the right decision.

He let his hand slip up higher, skimming under her shirt to slide along the skin of her side. She made a curious almost cooing noise that he took as incentive to slide his hand up to graze the side of her breast. He’d missed touching her, missed it more than he wanted to admit at the moment. The moment wasn’t about acknowledging his own wants and feelings, it was about proving something to her.

And if he got enjoyment out of it, so much the better.

He shifted back slightly, enough to be able to get a hand to curve over her breast, cupping gently but dispassionately for the moment. He wasn’t acknowledging his own interests in the matter -- yet, anyway. For now, it was all about her... even if she would probably argue with him on that.

The thought brought a smile to his lips and had him shifting his head, tilting slightly so that he could brush a feather-light kiss to her lips. Even in her sleep, she shifted her head to return the kiss. He deepened it for a second and pulled back, rolling her onto her back.

God, she was beautiful. Beautiful and _his_ , for all she’d deny it. But they had a bond that couldn’t be broken, even if it’d been strained nearly to the breaking point. And a bond that hadn’t been broken could be strengthened again, even if it wasn’t likely to be an easy task. Reid wasn’t a man afraid of challenge; he hadn’t gotten where he was in life by being averse to it, either. He _liked_ a good challenge, when it came right down to it.

“You’re mine,” he whispered, his voice soft and carefully modulated. “You’re mine, Jhaidan, and you always will be. You’re never going to run from me again. I’m going to make you want to stay.”

Not manipulatively -- at least, not the way he saw it, though she’d likely argue if she were awake enough to -- but by waking up the side of her that she’d fought so hard to shut away. Waking up her desire for him would be easy enough, and if he could remind her of the way things had once been...

He ducked his head, pressing a kiss to her ear and tracing his tongue along the delicate outer edge. “Mine,” he whispered against her ear, gratified to hear a soft whimper. “Mine.”

He slid his hand under her shirt again, finding it easy to get her shirt tugged up; getting it off her took a little more work and a great deal more finesse to manage it without waking her up, but he did it, bra following shortly thereafter.

And then he was free to admire her upper half in all its glorious beauty. Her body had changed in the past dozen or so years, but time had been good to her, he noted. It had been very, very good to her. She was a little thinner that he would have liked, but for the most part, she was perfect. 

This didn’t surprise him in the least.

He shifted position slightly on the bed, dropping feather light kisses along the swell of her breasts. Jhaidan stirred slightly in her sleep; Reid captured a nipple between his lips and sucked gently, even as he moaned around her.

One of Jhaidan’s hands came up to run through Reid’s hair; he took that as encouragement to keep going; keep going he did, bringing his hand up to cup the other breast, kneading gently as he sucked at her nipple. He’d missed this, missed being with her, and he couldn’t keep denying that or hiding behind his anger so he wouldn’t have to face the fact. Doing those things hadn’t helped him any and it wouldn’t help him now. Wouldn’t help him make her want to stay.

Wouldn’t help him _make_ her stay.

He tugged gently at her nipple with his teeth, and then not so gently.

That would be when Jhaidan’s eyes flew open. “Reid, what the _fuck_?” she spat angrily, fisting her fingers in his hair and tugging hard at it, though not hard enough to pull him away. “Get _off_ me!"

“Why?” he countered, lifting his mouth from her breast. “Why, when we both know you enjoy what I’m doing to you.”

She would have liked to argue with him, but she couldn’t deny that she had missed feeling his hands on her. 

“Because I have never once engaged in hate sex, Reid.” She was surprised by how even her voice sounded.

“First time for everything, then.” He ducked his head again, teasing her nipple with his tongue.

Jhaidan tried very hard not to react when he did that. In fact she was trying to hold her entire body stiff, not completely willing to give into him. She pressed her lips closed, her hands curling into fists at her sides.

There it was, that whole challenge aspect again. He knew that it would show up sooner rather than later with her. 

“Come on, love,” he murmured. “You know you want to.” He let his other hand slide down from her breast to rest against her stomach.

“You don’t know as much about me as you think,” she said, but she didn’t push him away and she couldn’t help the way her breathing changed when he moved his hand.

“Tell me you don’t want me right now,” he said, letting his fingers slide over her stomach. “Make me believe it and I’ll stop.”

He was a bastard and he knew it as well as she did.

“I don’t want you, Reid,” she said, but her voice shook slightly when his hand moved.

He knew it, but he didn’t much care at the moment. Maybe later.

“Oh, that didn’t sound convincing,” he teased, letting his hand slide lower to dip below the waistband of her pants. “I think these need to come off.”

Jhaidan bit her lip to keep from saying anything, but she couldn’t help the way her body moved towards his hand.

He shifted, tugging her pants down slowly. If she wanted him to stop, she’d get plenty of opportunity to be convincing. He wasn’t stopping unless she was convincing, damn it. He might be a bastard, but he wasn’t _that_ much of one.

“Why are you here?” It seemed as good of a question as any as she fought to keep the way he had always made her feel buried deep within her mind.

“Making sure you don’t disappear on me again,” he said, a slight growl in his voice as he divested her of the remainder of her clothing.

“So you broke into my hotel room to seduce me into obeying you?” 

Her breath caught at the difference in the growl from earlier in the day and the one that was in his voice now. Damn it, hadn’t that changed in the last decade? Hadn’t she worked up enough of a resistance to his voice? Better yet, why hadn’t he forgotten how to play her with just his voice?

“Something like that,” he said, not sounding regretful in the least as he moved off the bed to start removing his own clothes. He was going to use every tool at his disposal to keep her where he wanted her, voice included.

She knew in the back of her mind that she should use this time while he was distracted by his own clothes to make a break for the robe and for the door to the rest of the suite. In fact, she started to move that way, even though her eyes didn’t move from his body as it was revealed.

“Oh, you don’t really want to do that,” Reid said, his voice soft and warm. “You’re curious about what it’d be like, if it’d still be the same after all these years.” And then he was moving towards her.

“What, are you a mind reader now?” She challenged him, trying to not pay too much attention to his voice.

“No, I just know you,” he said, knocking her back down onto the bed. “I know you can’t help but wonder. You’re trying to fight it, but don’t. You don’t need to.”

“What makes you think you know what I need or don’t need?”

“I can see it on your face. You’re torn.”

“I’m not torn,” she lied. “I’m just trying to decide if I should knock you out first or just walk away.” If by knocking out she meant laying there and watching him.

“You wouldn’t do that,” he challenged. “You don’t want to hurt me like that.” He joined her on the bed, pushing her onto her back.

There was that guilt card again.

She let him push her down on her back, her eyes never leaving his face. “I’ve hurt you plenty already, haven’t I?” That phrase would have sounded harsher if her voice hadn’t broken while trying to say it.

“Exactly,” he agreed, managing to keep his voice even. “You don’t want to hurt me any more than you already have. That’s not the kind of person you are, Jhaidan.”

“Things have changed, Reid,” she said quietly. “You don’t know anything about me any longer; and I know almost nothing about you.”

That wasn’t stopping her from watching the way he moved. His body was even more beautiful than she had remembered it. Time had made his slimness into more tautness than simply slim. She could see the different muscles in his chest and arms as he moved. Thirteen years had done some excellent work on him -- and she knew that it was natural because Reid never would have had any doctors add anything to his appearance. He had always been strong, but she couldn’t help imagining how much stronger and determined those arms would be around her now.

She couldn’t help remembering with some sadness how it used to feel to be held close to his chest with his arms locked around her. Whether they were just being together or he was trying to hold her back from getting into some kind of trouble, his arms had been one of those things that she had always known would be there for her.

Until the night he sent her away, that was, and then everything had changed between them.

He moved over her, pinning her down with his body. “You want this, Jhaidan. You may not like me right now, but you still want this. You still want me and what I can do to you. I can tell. I know all the signs.” He ducked his head and kissed her fiercely.

Jhaidan whimpered against his mouth when he did that, but it was because he was right. She didn’t like the way he barreled into her life and started ordering her around, but damn it, she wanted him badly. She hated him almost for knowing that about her, but she couldn’t lie and tell him that she didn’t want his hands on her.

“That’s it, love,” he murmured, settling against her and kissing her again. “Let me hear the little noises. All the little noises you used to make, that you still want to make.”

She made a soft sound, opening up more with his second kiss. “This isn’t right. You don’t even like me any longer.”

“Liking someone has precious little to do with fucking someone sometimes.”

That hurt her a lot deeper than she thought it had any right to. “So it’s going to be angry hate sex between us now?”

“You underestimate the draw of good angry sex.”

“Never had good angry sex,” she murmured as she tried not to acknowledge how perfect she was beginning to feel with his body close to hers. “Never had angry sex at all.”

“There’s a first time for everything.” He nipped sharply at her lower lip, one hand wandering lazily up and down her side. “Come on, you know you want to. You can’t deny you’re thinking about what it’d be like to be with me again.”

“If I tried to deny that then I really would be a liar,” she managed to get out as his teeth and then his hand worked in conjunction to distract her. “I wondered what might have change with your technique and what it would be like as we got older.”

“So why not take this chance to find out?” He was already nudging her legs apart, but that was where he stopped for the moment. As unhappy as they were with each other, he was going to make his moves carefully and deliberately. He was going to take her and make her his again, but he wasn’t going to force her. This much would be her own willing choice.

Jhaidan bit her lip, trying to keep her moan of desire silent. However, there was no denying how much she really did want him when she moved her legs slightly more apart for him. This was going to destroy her when it was over, but damn it, for this moment, she wanted so much to feel his hands and mouth all over her body. She wanted to feel him driving her crazy with all of the little tricks he had once used on her to drive her insane.

No matter how much that it would break her after all of this was done, she wanted him and she hated herself for wanting and needing him so much right now.

“That’s it,” he breathed, positioning himself against her and pushing forward but not quite entering her yet. “That’s it, love. You know you want me. Let me hear you.”

“Reid...” Her body was already trembling from him being so close and her hips moved against him. She lifted an arm to reach to him. “Please.” She was close to begging for him, but right now she was past caring. That was a worry for later or tomorrow.

That was all he needed. He snapped his hips forward sharply, sheathing himself in her in one swift thrust.

Jhaidan yelped softly, caught by surprise with his new technique. As her body adjusted to the feel of him within her after so long -- she had almost forgotten how big he was -- her hands wandered slowly along his back, tracing along the new muscles she could feel moving beneath his skin.

He bit the inside of his cheek to stifle a groan at the feel of her hands roaming his back. He’d missed that, even if he didn’t want to admit to it.

She shivered against him, not quite able to believe that they were doing this again. She had missed being connected with him. She had missed so much about their lovemaking that she had never allowed herself to think about once she was gone from his life.

“Feels good, doesn’t it?” he asked against her ear, his voice almost a purr.

“Yes,” she whimpered, admitting how good it did feel to have him inside her like this. Part of her hated the fact that he could get her to react so easily and so quickly. The other pare of her just wanted to shut off her mind and enjoy this.

“Feels _right_.” It felt like he was home, in a strange way that he didn’t understand but certainly wasn’t going to argue with. Kissing her with a surprising gentleness, he began moving against her.

The gentleness confused her and she didn’t know how to react to it. When he started moving against her and into her, she couldn’t silence the moan that was drawn from her throat.

“That’s it,” Reid said, picking up his pace. “That’s more like it. Let me hear you.” There was more than a hint of command in his voice.

“Goddess,” she moaned, twisting up against him. “I forgot how this felt -- forgot how big you were.”

“But you _like_ how big I am,” he reminded her. “You never used to complain about it before.”

“Not complaining,” she defended herself. “Remembering … adapting.”

He grinned and thrust again, harder this time.

Jhaidan made a louder whimpering sound as she felt her body lifting up to meet his thrust.

“Don’t hold back,” he said in response to her louder noise. “I don’t want you to hold back.”

“You don’t get to tell me how to react,” she challenged him even as her body trembled against his skin.

“I’m the one fucking you, I think I get to have a say in things.”

Jhaidan growled at him as she raked her nails down his back. “You don’t have to be such a bastard about it.”

She was rewarded with his indrawn breath. 

“You used to like when I was a bastard sometimes.” He had been able to be a bastard at times, but of course, he’d rarely aimed it at her back then.

“Sometimes did not include when we were in bed.” He’d never been a bastard to her until that last night.

“What did you like about it?” he asked, even as he thrust again. Yes, he was playing dirty by trying to make her think while in the middle of sex; no, he didn’t much care.

“You were so fierce and commanding.” She figured that she could admit that since she didn’t plan to see him again in a few days.

“You like fierce, huh?” He punctuated the sentence with a particularly forceful thrust.

Jhaidan let out a sharp gasp, but her hands flexed against the muscles in his shoulders.

“You liked that?” he asked, even though he knew the answer full well already.

“I have always liked it when you were dominant and forceful,” she gasped, lifting her body against his.

“Well, then, you should love this.” He picked up his pace a little, determined to drive her crazy before she came. Not that he was going to let her come easily, that wasn’t part of this game plan. He wanted to hear her beg.

She grasped his shoulders, making soft, whimpering sounds in her throat. She hated that he knew how to work her body so well, but on the other hand she had missed him quite a lot.

As she clung to him, he thrust harder, settling into a rhythm of slow, deliberately hard thrusts. As much as he wanted to just let go and go at her until she was screaming his name, he had to think of her. He had to think of how long he could keep her going before she wouldn’t be able to even think about leaving him again.

Jhaidan was having a hard time controlling both her thoughts and her reactions to what Reid was doing. She found herself moving more in rhythm with him and whimpering his name.

“I don’t want you to whimper,” Reid murmured in her ear. “I want you to plead, cry, scream. I want you to _beg_.” His movements took on a nearly frantic quality at that.

 _Why?_ She didn’t ask him, but the thought did cross her mind. “I never beg.” Her words were belied by the fact that her body was moving just as frantically against his.

“You will by the time I’m done,” he said, his words not quite a gasp. He let one hand grip her hip tightly, almost painfully, while the other hand touched her face with a gentleness that was at odds with the rest of what he was doing to her. “I promise you, you’ll beg, Jhaidan.”

It was the gentleness that confused her -- and also reminded her of how it used to be between them. That was the only reason that she could explain the fact that the next time she said his name she could hear the longing in her own voice. It was a longing that she had sworn never to let anyone know she felt.

He picked up on the longing, even if he didn’t quite understand what it was exactly. He kissed her again, deeply, drawing it out until they both needed to breathe -- and when they parted for breath, it was only long enough to snatch a quick gasp of air before he was kissing her again with that same ferocity. He had her back in his arms again, sharing a bed; at least for the night, he was damn sure not going to let her go.

She ran her hands thorough his hair, kissing him back with a ferocity that bordered on desperation -- and there was a trace of desperation that accompanied some of her actions. As he continued to kiss her, she tangled her legs around his, pressing herself as close to his body as she could. They still seemed to be able to fit together the same way that they had long ago, even with all of the changes in both of them.

There might have been changes, but one thing was still very much the same -- they fit together as though they’d been made for each other, and Reid liked to think they _had_ been made for each other. He shuddered when she ran her hands through his hair, a pleasant sort of shudder that traveled through his body and that she could probably feel.

“Goddess,” she murmured, moving her mouth to kiss along his throat. “Goddess, Reid...”

He groaned softly and tilted his head so she could have better access.

She gave up fighting against the wants of both her body and her soul as she started leaving a trail of kisses along his neck, nipping slightly every so often.

“Perfect,” he said with a loud, unrepentant groan. “Absolutely perfect, Jhaidan.”

For the moment, she could believe that he meant it. She pulled back from his neck to kiss him. This time it was she who took the initiative.

His response was happily surprised, content little groan as he returned the kiss.

Jhaidan deepened the kiss, her hands running through his hair and down to the back of his neck.

He shivered when she touched the back of his neck.

She broke the kiss, letting her forehead rest against his as she fitted her body along his again.

“You feel so good,” he murmured. “So amazing. So perfect.” It was almost scary how well they still fit together, but it was the most wonderful kind of scary imaginable.

She was surprised that he thought so, especially since she was feeling the same way. She hadn’t felt this perfect and complete for a very long time. In fact, she was sure she hadn’t felt this way since the last time they had been together.

He couldn’t help but feel that way, though, with her beneath him and reacting the way he’d missed, the way she’d reacted only in fantasy up to this point.

She arched her hips against him. “Reid …”

“Yes?” he murmured.

She didn’t have words to explain everything she was feeling -- and everything she was afraid of. She wanted to lose herself in him and she was terrified to at the same time.

Reid didn’t push her to speak, just kept up his almost frantic pace against her, a pace that couldn’t and wouldn’t last much longer at the rate they were going.

Her fingers traced their way down his spine, enjoying the feel of his body beneath her hands. Her hands went lower until she was holding onto his hips as she lifted to meet each of his thrusts.

“Oh yes,” he managed with what little coherency he had left at the moment. “That feels good, love.”

“You always knew how to make me fly,” she responded, holding onto him. Her body trembled against his as all of her nerves started to feel like they were short-circuiting her brain.

“Hopefully I haven’t lost that skill with all the years gone by.” There was no condemnation in his voice, though, just a lightly teasing note.

“I don’t think that’s possible, love,” she whispered.

“Well, we’ll find out.” He kissed her, nipping sharply at her lower lip, determined to push her over the edge before he could even let himself think of coming. He’d wanted her to beg, yes, and he still did. But at the same time, he was determined that this was going to be as enjoyable as possible. He had the whole night with her, after all.

Jhaidan moaned softly against his mouth when he did that. There were so many things that crossed her mind to say, but she pushed them all down. They didn’t seem appropriate right now. 

“Love your mouth.” It was inane, but it was what she was feeling.

“Well, I’m rather fond of yours, so we’re even.” He smirked against her lips. “Fond of what you used to do with your mouth, too.”

She shuddered and then whimpered at the reminder. It had been something that she loved doing to him when they were together.

“I always loved it when you had me in your mouth, you know,” he said. “It was one of my favorite things.”

She trembled again. “It was one of mine, too.”

“And you were always so into it. I loved that, too.”

“Of course I was into it,” she murmured. “It made you feel good.”

“Just like you’re into this, right now.”

“You’re driving me insane,” she admitted.

“I always did like driving you insane,” he said, smirking slightly as he moved against her. “It always got me such pleasant results.”

“I wanted to make you fly like you made me fly,” she said, closing her eyes with the memories.

“And you did, love.” He kissed her almost gently. “You always did.”

“That’s good to know.” It was nice to know that not all of his memories of her were the bad ones. “I liked making you feel as good as you made me feel.”

“And I just liked making you feel good, period.”

“Amazing,” she corrected. “You made me feel amazing, Reid. You always knew just how to touch me and get everything to react.”

“Hopefully time hasn’t dulled that ability.” Again, there was no condemnation in his voice -- after all, this wasn’t the time for that. They could have that argument later. Now was all about making her realize just how much she’d missed him, and an argument certainly wouldn’t do that.

No, an argument would most certainly not do that. All an argument would do was get her temper up and cause her to try to pull back into herself again. He didn’t want to chance that, yet. It was too soon and she was still too capable of reacting in a way differently than what he was aiming for.

“Not dulled at all from where I am.”

“And I’ll trust your judgment on that,” he said with a teasing laugh.

“That’s a good choice,” she nodded, pulling him closer.

“I _am_ capable of those on occasion.” The lightness, the banter, it was almost like things had been between them before.

“I’m fond of those,” she said with a gentler smile than she had shown him thus far.

“I imagine you are.” He kissed her again and thrust harder, determined that she’d come first.

She keened softly in her throat, arching up into him.

“That’s it,” he murmured encouragingly. “That’s it, Jhaidan.”

“Reid,” she whimpered. “Oh goddess, Reid!”

“Oh, yes,” he said. “That’s it exactly. Let me hear you, love. Let me hear you.”

She squirmed beneath him, her body shaking as her hands moved frantically along his back and shoulders. “Reid!”

“Let go,” he murmured in her ear. “Let yourself go and fly, Jhaidan.”

Jhaidan didn’t really have a choice in the matter. The force of his thrusts partnered with his voice against her ear caused her to find herself spiraling downward into light and color. When she came, her voice was sobbing out his name against his neck as she clung to him.

Reid managed through sheer force of will to hold on through her orgasm; only when she’d started sobbing his name did he let himself come with a cry.

She was still too out of it to do anything but hold onto him, and when she felt him coming, her arms tightened around him even more.

“Perfect,” was all he could say. “Just perfect.”

She nodded, trying to get herself back under control.

He kissed her tenderly, but with an undercurrent of fierceness to it. He had to give her time to recover, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to be making his next move at the same time. Keeping her off kilter was integral to what he was trying to do. Keeping her senses in a haze of pleasure would keep her from running away again.

Jhaidan made a soft noise into the kiss and then was kissing him back.

“I want you again,” Reid murmured. “I want to take you again and again tonight, until you’re too tired to stay awake any longer.” He wasn’t going to lie to her about it.

“That sounds amazing,” she said, taking a breath.

“Up for a try?”

She nodded, not having the words at the moment.

He just grinned, feeling himself already starting to harden again inside her.

She had always been amazed by how quickly Reid recovered and she was no less amazed tonight. She shifted, closing her eyes as she felt him.

“Tell me what you want,” he said, his voice not quite demanding. “Tell me what you’ve missed.”

Jhaidan stiffened slightly. “You’ll laugh at me.”

“I would never laugh at you.” And even if it was something that might make him laugh, he’d damn well keep it locked in his head.

She swallowed hard. “I’ve missed when you would get so unrestrained that you would hold me down.” Her voice came out in a quiet whisper. “Dominant. Possessive.”

He groaned softly. “Then you’re in luck, because I’ve missed getting that way.”

“I loved when you would get like that and I felt …”

“You felt what?” he prompted, thrusting gently.

She gasped softly at the sensation, forgetting that she was trying to protect herself from getting hurt since this couldn’t last. “Like I belonged.”

“You _did_ belong.”

She closed her eyes, not wanting to answer that with an honest thought because she didn’t want to fight with him -- not right now.

“I always liked when you got like that. Everyone else scared me if they got rough and possessive, but you never did. It felt … it felt amazing when you did.”

“Because I never meant it to hurt you or scare you. Even if ever did, I never meant it to.”

“Reid, I loved it when you would get like that -- when you would just let go and be possessive and rough and claiming.” She swallowed. "When you would bite and claw and mark me."

What point was there to hiding everything he made her feel physically? She had one night with him -- one night -- and she was going to make sure it was one of the best nights that she would remember for as long as she possibly could.

“Then that’s how I’ll be now.” Not that it’d take very much for him to get to that point.

“You’re really okay with me wanting that?” She seemed relieved.

“Of course I am, love.”

She smiled shyly.

“That’s such a beautiful smile,” he murmured, thrusting slightly harder. “That’s such a damn beautiful smile.”

“I’m glad you think so.” She relaxed against the mattress, looking into his face.

“I don’t think so,” he corrected as he moved against her. “I know so.”

Jhaidan bit her lip, enjoying the feeling of him moving against her. She loved that he was saying these things, but she was trying to be very careful not to let them affect her.

Reid kissed her again, coaxing her lips apart.

She made a soft sound of pleasure and then let him part her lips as he wanted to.

“That’s it,” he encouraged. “That’s it...”

She whimpered, not knowing why, and kissed him back, melting against him.

He’d missed the way she melted against him, missed it more than he wanted to admit. So he didn’t admit it, not really. He just acknowledged it, pushed it aside, and turned his attention back to the woman beneath him.

She moved her leg to brush against his as she opened her eyes to look up into his face. She had never expected that they would ever be in this position again -- even if she knew that it wouldn’t last beyond this night.

He gave her a breathless smile. “You look surprised, love. Have I done something wrong?” He’d always been able to read her, even if he didn’t always get it entirely right on the first try.

“There is nothing wrong about any of this, Reid,” she assured him softly. “Just feels like I’m dreaming and that I can’t get enough of you right now.”

“You can have me all you like tonight,” he said with a decidedly mischievous grin.

“I thought you were going to have at me?” Her voice was soft, but teasing.

“No reason you can’t have a little bit of fun in all this, too,” he said reasonably.

“That will be a hell of a lot of fun for me.” Her voice was filled with sincerity and a longing that she wasn’t aware he could hear.

He heard it but didn’t call her on it. Instead, he just ducked his head to kiss her fiercely. “If it’s too much, tell me and I’ll switch things up.”

She nodded. “I’ll tell you, but I’m not worried. I’ve missed that for thirteen years.”

“Good to know.” He bucked his hips sharply against her.

Jhaidan moaned, her hips lifting to his.

“Let yourself go,” he said. “Be the wild, uninhibited girl you could sometimes be when we were younger.”

“I don’t remember how to be wild, Reid.” The admission was said softly as she ran her hands along his sides. It was true. After that last disastrous between them, she had trained herself not to be wild; she took great care to be cautious and careful.

“Then how about I help you figure it out?”

“That sounds like a good idea.”

“And we’ll start by you not being afraid to let yourself react,” he said. “Don’t hold back.”

“But if I react and not hold back, doesn’t that change the desire of having you holding me down and just going at me?” The marks and bruises that would be left on her would give her very good memories about being with him for a long time.

“You just concentrate on reacting and not holding back,” he said firmly. “It doesn’t mean I won’t still be holding you down. Just means you might be struggling a little against me. Was always hot when you did that.”

She smiled and then nodded about what he was saying. “I’ll definitely do my best.”

“That’s all I ask.”

She nodded. “Show me that memory, Reid, please.”

“Whatever you say, love. Whatever you want.” He settled into a hard, fast rhythm, at the same time grabbing her wrists and moving to pin them above her head with one hand.

Jhaidan made the soft yelping noise that she discovered long ago he enjoyed as she felt him pinning her wrists to the bed.

“Oh, there we go,” Reid said, his eyes brightening a little. “That’s the noise I missed.”

“I’ve only ever made it with you,” she admitted -- even though she had no idea why she was telling him this.

“Good to know.” He grinned at her before kissing her again.

It was almost too easy for her to pretend that everything was all right between them and there wasn’t thirteen years of anger of possibly hatred that was weighing on them. Right now, it was just so easy for her to pretend that they were here like this because he loved her, and she was determined to hang on to that lie for as long as she could tonight.

He wasn’t thinking about things like who hated whom, he was just thinking about the fact that for the first time in over a decade, he had Jhaidan beneath him again. He’d missed it and he was damn well going to enjoy this.

He let his free hand slide up her side to cup a breast, kneading gently.

Jhaidan whimpered softly, pressing into his hand.

“You always did enjoy when I paid attention to your breasts,” he murmured.

“Very much so.”

“You know, I always wondered why that was,” he said almost conversationally.

“Because your hands and mouth felt amazing.”

“So did yours.”

“I just always loved being touched by you, Reid, in any way that I could.”

Reid said nothing, just slid his hand down her side to rest at her hip for a moment, fingers tightening as he moved harder against her.

Jhaidan’s whimpers turned to equally soft gasps, reacting with each and every thrust. “Goddess, Reid,” she managed after several attempts to find words that were more and more quickly eluding her with every passing moment.

“I always took care of you,” he said, a possessive growl in his voice. “In so many ways. Just like I’m going to take care of you now.”

Oh, she knew what he meant, knew that he didn’t mean it in the way she _wanted_ him to mean it. But she could let herself pretend, couldn’t she? Of course she could.

For his part, Reid was trying to avoid focusing on anything except Jhaidan beneath him, on making her respond to him.

Jhaidan gasped again, her body twisting beneath his.

“Oh, that’s it,” he said with a breathless laugh. “That’s perfect, Jhaidan. Just like that.”

She did it again, this time tugging gently at her wrists.

“Oh, you’re not getting away,” he said, kissing her fiercely. “You’re not going anywhere, love.”

Jhaidan moaned softly into his kiss, returning it as best as she could.

“I don’t care if you do want to get away, it’s not happening.” Which was blatantly untrue, of course, but part of the fun had always been the intensity, the domination. The pretending that she didn’t have a choice when in fact she’d always had every choice.

“Wanna bet?” she challenged.

“Oh, where’s the fun in that?” Reid asked, giving her a faint smirk. “Besides, you know you like the struggle.”

She blushed, she did love the intensity that was between them and she loved the struggle and him winning.

“And I love the struggle, too,” he admitted. “It’s one of the hottest things in the world to have you writhing beneath me, struggling to get away.”

That caused her to moan softly again, and twist at her wrists.

“Nice try,” he chided, pressing her wrists down a little harder at the same time as he bucked his hips roughly.

Jhaidan whimpered, her own body lifting against his.

Reid groaned softly as he moved against her, his free hand once again wandering up and down her side before settling against her breast.

She sighed, pressing into his hand. She couldn’t believe how much she needed this -- needed him -- right now.

He couldn’t believe how much he needed her, either, or how much something as simple as the little sigh she’d just made could get to him.

“I need you so much.” She wasn’t aware that she had said the thought out loud as she moved against him.

He didn’t say anything, just lost himself in her for a while, thinking about nothing but the way it felt to be inside her, to be going at her relentlessly, to just _be_ with her again.

Jhaidan made a soft noise and pulled at her arms as she tangled her legs with his.

Reid pulled his hand away from her wrists, only to quickly pin her wrists down with his other hand, newly free hand sliding teasingly over her side.

“Oh goddess,” she whispered as goose bumps rose on her flesh in the wake of his hand.

“Is that good?” he asked teasingly. “Or should I stop?”

She shook her head. “Don’t stop.” She hated that her voice came out in a whine, but she was pretty sure that she would break if he stopped touching her like this right now.

“Wasn’t really planning on it,” he confided in a mock secretive tone. “You know me. You know I’d never stop unless you asked for it.”

“I need you doing things to me so much and I don’t even understand why.” He hated her and she still needed him to slam her down on the bed and fuck her senseless. She wanted to fell his body in any way he wanted to come at her body.

“So don’t try and understand,” he said, his voice husky. “Just ride the pleasure of it all.” And he knew he was making her feel damn good. Arrogant? Perhaps. But Reid had always thought it wasn’t arrogance if you were just admitting to what was true.

Whenever his voice got husky like that in the past, Jhaidan had been doomed. She’d let him do anything he wanted to do with her and her body if he used that voice on her.

And Reid knew it, too, knew it and was determined to use it to his advantage.

Jhaidan shuddered, her body fitting up against his.

“It’s like you never left,” he said without thinking. “You still fit me just the way you always did.”

Jhaidan didn’t know what to say to that, so instead, she bucked her body up against his.

“That’s it,” he encouraged. “Let go and fly, Jhaidan. Let go and fly with me.”

“Show me how you can play my body, love,” she begged softly. “Tonight, I’m your instrument and your toy.”

“Don’t say it unless you mean it,” Reid cautioned.

“I mean it, Reid.”

“Because there are so many things I want to do to you, want you to do to me.”

“And I’m telling you, Reid. Do it.”

“Even if I make you suck me off?” The words were coarse, but he couldn’t help it.

She nodded. “Even if. I’m yours tonight, Reid. Your toy. Your instrument. Anything you want to make me do.”

He shuddered at that, ideas running through his mind.

“Please,” she whispered. “I want it as much as you need it.”

“In that case...” He thrust forcefully, roughly. “I’m going to make you come and then you’re going to take me in your mouth.”

Jhaidan moaned and then nodded as she wrapped her legs around him.

“I want you to taste our mingled tastes.” His voice was low and had a distinct growl to it. "Your tongue sliding along me."

Whether it was the growl or the images he was putting into her head, Jhaidan shuddered, arching up against him.

“I really do still affect you, don’t I?” he asked when she shuddered. “I love that, just so you know.”

“You do,” she whispered. “Oh god you do.”

“I hoped I might.”

Jhaidan bit her lip hard enough to draw blood in order to keep from saying any of the things to Reid that were swimming in her head.

He just kissed her, not caring about the blood. As he kissed her, he let himself go, thrusting as hard as he could manage. It’d probably hurt her, but he didn’t care at the moment. He’d care later.

She let out a soft cry, but her body arched up, taking him deeper into herself. She was going to be so sore tomorrow, but she was going to enjoy this night for as long as he would let her.

And since he planned on being utterly merciless, she’d be able to enjoy the night a good long while.

Jhaidan twisted her body beneath his, making soft sounds in her throat.

“Those are beautiful sounds you’re making, I hope you know.”

“You’re making me feel... you feel good, Reid.”

“So do you, love. Oh, so do you.”

“I never thought I’d get the chance to have you fucking me and dominating me again.”

“Well, you did and I am.” He gave her a faint smirk, slowing his thrusts down a little.

“Was afraid to even hope.”

“Never be afraid to hope.”

She couldn’t respond to that because she would tell him everything in her head and her heart and they just couldn’t deal with that. Instead she squirmed against him, moving her mouth to his ear.

“Know one of the things I remember very vividly?”

“No, what?”

“Your hand on my throat and neck.”

He grinned at that, sliding one hand up to her throat.

She shivered, pressing her throat more into his hand.

He kept his touch on her throat light for the moment, not wanting to go too far -- at least, not too fast. This had been one of his favorite things to do to her and he always did it right. That involved a certain amount of being careful.

Jhaidan met his eyes. She knew how much he had loved doing this to her in the past, and she had no problems letting him have complete control. It should have surprised her that she was giving herself over to him so easily, but she was trying not to think beyond the moment.

Reid gave her an encouraging smile and tightened his hand slightly on her throat. She might still enjoy this, but after thirteen years, there were some things you eased back into -- and this was one of them.

The soft intake of breath was a good indication of how he was already starting to affect her.

“That’s my girl,” he murmured. “That’s my beautiful girl.”

“Missed this.” _Missed you_.

“So did I,” he admitted.

“There have to have been other girls that enjoyed this with you.” There was no anger or mocking in her voice. She was honestly convinced that he had moved on and had other women like this.

“Not like this,” he said. “Other women, yes. Some of the things I’m doing to you currently, yes. But never my hand on their throat. That was ours.”

That was something she hadn’t expected and it touched her in a deeper way than she had thought it would. “I gave you my throat a long time ago,” she said softly. “It was always yours.”

“That means a great deal to me.”

That caught her off guard. “It does?”

“It does. Means it meant as much to you as it did to me.”

“It did. It meant very much to me.”

“I’m glad.” He let his hand tighten the slightest bit more against her throat. “Too much?”

“Never too much from you.” The honesty in her voice stunned her because she was trying so hard not to get too attached to what was happening.

“All right, then.”

She gave him a soft, encouraging smile as she bumped her hips up against him.

He groaned at that, hand pressing against her throat as he thrust harder once more.

This time she gasped, tightening around him. “Yes, oh yes.”

“Remember, stop me if it’s too much.” Because choking her was fun, choking her into unconsciousness was not.

“I will, but it will never be too much.”

What point was there to hiding everything he made her feel physically? She had one night with him -- one night -- and she was going to make sure it was one of the best nights that she would remember for as long as she possibly could. Tomorrow there would be fighting and consequences and anger between them. For tonight, she could pretend that nothing had changed and that she was still his and he was hers.

He was lost in his own pretending, because he was just as aware of their only having one night as she was. He had one night to try and make her understand, one night to try and seduce her.

“Please, Reid,” she finally whispered. There was no begging in her voice, just the awareness of the _need_ she was feeling when it came to him. “I need.”

“Then you’ll have,” he said, moving against her almost urgently now.

Her movements were just as urgent and then she nipped him on the shoulder, trying to put her scattered thought into some kind of communication.

“What, love?” he asked. “Too much or not enough?”

“Not enough,” she whispered. “I want …” She wasn’t sure if he even cared what she wanted right now, but the needs of her body were getting her all confused. “I need my Master, with teeth and claws and throat...” Her whimpers were breathy and she closed her eyes, not sure if she had said too much.

His response was to press slightly harder against her throat even as he kissed her roughly. “Then that’s what you’ll have.”’

Jhaidan moaned, her body already starting to shiver at the tone of his voice.

“Always did love it when I could make you shiver,” he said with a laugh.

“Don’t tease,” she said with a soft plea in her voice as she tried to get closer to him.

“Oh, but it’s so much fun.” He was kissing her again even as he said it, though, and biting at her lower lip almost hard enough to draw blood.

The pain mixed with pleasure caused her to moan into his mouth as she arched her hips against him.

At her moan, Reid bit her lip again. He’d always loved when that pleasure-and-pain mixture got her to react; it was an entirely different kind of reacting, usually.

Jhaidan shuddered again, her entire body pressing up against his.

He stifled a whimper and instead settled for thrusting even harder. It was a pace and rhythm he wouldn’t be able to keep up for long; thankfully, however, they didn’t need very long.

Jhaidan whimpered, but she was already right on that edge again. She fought against it, but knew that she wouldn’t be able to hold back much longer.

“Stop fighting,” he murmured. He’d always been able to sense when she was holding herself back; now was no different.

“Seems wrong for me to come so quickly.”

“All that matters is that you’re enjoying it.”

“I’m enjoying the things you’re doing to me.”

“Who says I can’t keep doing them to you after you come?” he countered.

She whimpered, her body shuddering. “Good logic.”

“I have it on occasion, you know. More than occasion, really.”

She whimpered again, her body tensing against his.

“That’s it,” he murmured.

She managed to cry out his name once before she felt herself flying apart.

Reid kept moving against her even as she came.

She collapsed back on the bed, making whimpering noises.

He stilled against her and gave her a satisfied little smirk.

“You’re gloating,” she finally managed to say.

“Can you blame me?”

“Ask me tomorrow.”

“Will I get the answer I want?” Oh, Reid, be nice.

“Don’t.” There was a soft plea underlying the single word.

“Had to try.” And with that, he was ducking his head and kissing her.

She was happy to kiss him back. Losing herself in sensation with him meant that she could pretend that she wasn’t feeling any pain. It let her pretend that tonight was anything besides a convenient fantasy.

“Tell me what you want now,” he murmured against her lips.

“I told you,” she whispered.

“I want to hear you say it again. I like hearing you say it.”

Jhaidan swallowed hard. “I need my Master, with teeth and claws and throat...” She closed her eyes and then opened them again. “I want you to be dominant and rough like you used to sometimes.”

He pulled his hand from her throat, but only so he could duck his head and kiss her there, scraping his teeth along her skin.

Jhaidan whimpered, tilting her head so that he had complete access to her throat and neck.

Reid nipped carefully -- part of the excitement of playing with her throat, for him, had come with the exquisite care he had to take not to hurt her.

Jhaidan murmured his name softly as he did that.

He stifled a whimper and scraped his teeth along her throat again.

“Good,” she whispered. “Feels good.”

“I should hope so.”

She shivered, once more biting back things she wanted to say and instead letting her body show him how he was affecting her.

He let his hand slide almost lazily up and down her side as he nipped at her throat again.

 _Tomorrow_. Tomorrow she could beat herself up for making herself this vulnerable to the way he made her feel both emotionally and physically. Tomorrow she would worry about the hurt she would be feeling when she returned home. Tonight, she was just going to let herself enjoy the intensity that she had missed.

Tomorrow was time enough for dealing with the reality of how they had ended up apart.

“God, I love that.” He chuckled lowly. “That reaction.” If he knew what she was thinking, he might not have felt that way, but since he didn’t... there you had it.

“I’m not supposed to want you like this anymore,” she whispered. “But I feel like I need you like I need the air to breathe, Reid.”

“Who says you’re not supposed to want me?” he challenged. “I want you. I’ve never stopped wanting you. By your logic, I should’ve stopped.”

She hadn't realized that she had spoken loud enough for him to hear her and when she heard what he said, she felt the burn of tears in her eyes. He _hadn't_ wanted her. He had sent her away.

"Thirteen years," she managed to whisper, doing her best to hide the flash of hurt that his words had caused. "Thirteen years is a long time to still want someone."

“When have I never not thrown myself into doing something?” Reid pointed out. “You know me, Jhaidan.”

This was going to end badly, she could tell, and that’s why she started to pull away from him. “I used to know you or I thought I did.”

“Ssh,” he murmured, lips lingering at her throat. “Just let yourself enjoy the moment, love.”

“No matter what I say, you’re going to end up mad and I’m going to end up crying and hurting you somehow again,” she whispered, closing her eyes. A tear slid from the corner of her eye and down into her hair. “I don’t want to cause you pain again.”

She was fine with herself being hurt right now, but not the idea of hurting him.

“So don’t say anything,” he said. “Just enjoy the moment and face the rest later. I’m not going to be hurt if you just enjoy yourself for a while.”

Even as she nodded, another tear escaped her eye. She moved closer to him again, hesitantly wrapping her arms around him once more.

“Don’t cry, my love,” he murmured, moving against her slowly. “Please, don’t cry.”

“Trying not to,” she admitted, blinking her eyes. It just became harder when he called her by names she never expected him to use for her ever again.

“Tell me what I can do to make the tears stop,” he said, his voice soft as he kept his rhythm slow against her.

“Pretend,” she whispered softly. “Just pretend for right now that everything is like it used to be.”

“I can do that,” he said. “I can do whatever you want. I _will_ do whatever you want.” He surrendered to her just as much as she surrendered to him.

Jhaidan swallowed. “Pretend you still want me and still love me,” she said in a faint whisper. “Save the yelling and the recriminations for another time and just … let’s just be Jaguar and her Lord.”

He would never know how much it had cost her to make that request. It was tantamount to giving him a blade to stick in her heart, but right now she didn’t care. She just wanted to pretend that everything was all right and that he really did just want her and not to prove a point or punish her.

He stilled against her. “You listen to me, Jaguar,” he said quietly. “I never stopped wanting you and I _especially_ never stopped loving you. I was an idiot, yes. More than an idiot, in fact. But I never, _ever_ stopped loving you.”

Whether she would believe him or not, he didn’t know. But he couldn’t let this go by without saying the words he’d wanted to say ever since... well, ever since shortly after she’d left. When he’d realized just how much of a fool he’d been.

Jhaidan felt the tears slide down into her hair again, but she wasn’t paying attention to that. Instead, she was pulling his head down so that she could cradle his face between her hands. Her kiss started out gentle, even a little hesitant. But she kept kissing him lightly, wanting to believe more than anything that this was real.

Reid returned the kiss every bit as lightly, wanting more than anything to deepen it but not wanting to move too fast for fear of ruining the fragile bridge the two of them had just built between their hearts once more.

She pulled back only far enough to look into his eyes. “I’m yours, Reid. Don’t hold back.”

“Just wanted to make sure it was what you wanted first,” he assured her before giving her a rough kiss and a sharp thrust of his hips.

“Yes,” she managed to whimper and nod. “It’s what I want... what I need from you right now.”

“Then whatever you need, I’ll give. I promise. Whatever you need, for as long as you need it... it’s yours.” He wanted her to forgive him for how cruel he had been in the past. He knew it wouldn’t happen immediately, or even overnight, but he still had to try making amends. He owed her the effort.

“Love me,” she whispered softly. “Take me.”

“I will,” he promised. “I will.”

“I want to feel like we’re a part of each other.”

“We _are_ a part of each other,” he corrected as he bucked his hips harder.

She mewled softly in her throat, lifting to meet his hips against hers.

“That’s my love,” he said with a groan. “Oh, that’s my love.”

“Feels so good.” _Felt so right._

“Feels like it’s what should be.”

“Wonderful,” she whispered.

“Perfect,” he corrected.

“Yes,” she admitted. She could do that, she’d already admitted to how much he was affecting her. “Perfect.”

He smiled at her as he moved against her. “It’s perfect because of you. Because you’re here with me again.”

She _knew_ that he was saying what she wanted to hear from him, but she wished that it could have always been like this. She wished that he felt the things he was telling her. She wanted to be able to really be with him, but she knew that their time was past and she couldn’t reach for something that she could never have.

“Missed this,” he said, his voice quiet as he kissed her again. “Missed every single damn bit of this.”

“You did?” Her voice was soft, amazed. “I didn’t know.”

“I missed _you_ , Jaguar.”

She closed her eyes, wanting so much to believe him, but the pain of being sent away was still a deep wound in her heart. However, that wasn’t going to keep her from admitting to the same thing.

“I missed you.”

“And now you don’t have to miss me again.”

Until tomorrow, but she didn’t say those words out loud.


	4. Chapter 4

He was gone when she woke up.

Jhaidan wasn't really surprised by that. No matter what had happened between them or what had been said, there were thirteen years of hurt and anger between them. Thirteen years of unanswered questions. She reached her hand out to the side of the bed that he had been laying on and wasn't startled to find that it was cold.

He had been gone for some time, then.

She pulled her knees up so she could rest her chin on them and winced at the soreness in her body when she moved. She hadn't felt this wonderfully sore in such a long time -- and she knew that when she spent time investigating her body there would be bruises and marks all over her. Reid had kept to his word and had gone at her all night and long into the morning. When she finally gave into exhaustion, the sun had been rising and she felt amazing. The last thing she remembered before giving in to sleep was Reid pulling her firmly against his body as his arms tightened around her.

Now though, waking up alone just reminded her why this could never become anything like they once had. That time had long since passed, and she should have kept a firmer hold on her heart and her emotions than she had the night before. She should have fought harder to keep things purely physical without any confessions or declarations.

Or hell, she should have gone against everything she was feeling and wanting at the time and made him leave. If she had seemed serious enough, he may not have left, but nothing that had happened would have happened. If she had said no, Reid would have stopped.

He would have stopped and she wouldn’t be left with the one final memory of the good that had been between them once. She would never have been reminded of how well he always took care of her and made her fly when they were having sex.

She brushed angrily at the tears that were sliding down her cheeks as she went to get out of the bed. It was hard to walk and that made getting to the bathtub exquisite torture. She was going to be feeling last night for several days – and she was all right with that. The memory of having Reid hold her again and even pretend that he still loved her was well worth the aches and stiffness that were going to follow her from here.

She turned on the hot water and then poured in some of her favorite lavender and lotus oil into the water. It was a blend that would make the stiffness ease up enough for her to do some of the things that she needed to do. It wasn’t a permanent solution, but it would make her capable of running some errands and doing a few other things.

Not that she wanted the physical memory of last night to fade quickly by a long shot. She wanted to be able to relive the night over and over again for a long time.

She closed her eyes, letting herself slide down in the tub a little further. No matter what Reid had said about letting things be real and finding some place that they could start over again, she knew that it was just a fantasy on both of their parts. In the light of morning and once he had time to stretch his muscles and think, he would be right back at being angry with her. He would go right back to the man he was at the signing; pressing her for answers that she couldn’t give him now and making demands.

Reality was a painful thing. She understood that he believed he had reasons for being angry at her, just like she understood that she had reasons for being angry at him.

He hadn’t wanted her and she had closed doors on them and no matter what a few hours of stolen intimacy made them feel, they couldn’t ignore the reality of the situation.

The reality being that she had to leave Vancouver and get on the next flight she could arrange back to New York. The longer she stayed here, the more she wanted something that she just could never have. The longer she stayed here, the more she allowed Reid to get closer to her and scratch at her defenses. The more she allowed him time to do that, the closer she came to causing him pain again and she just couldn’t do that.

 

She stayed in the tub, wishing for things that she knew could never be until the water began to turn cold. She pulled the plug and as the water began to drain, she forced herself to her feet. Wrapping a towel around her body, she walked to the counter to look into the mirror for a long moment. 

Reid had left his mark on her, just as he promised her that he would. There were small bruises from his hands and mouth in several places, and she smiled when she saw them. The darkest and largest one, though, was the bite mark he had left at the junction of her neck and shoulder. It was just like she had asked him to – just like he had used to. She had always enjoyed it when he marked her and staring into the mirror at her neck, she smiled faintly. She still enjoyed seeing his mark on her. She would probably have to wear scarves or collared shirts for while since she healed so slowly, but it was very much worth it. 

When she closed her eyes, she could still feel Reid holding her close to him. She could feel his teeth and tongue against her neck and could feel his hair slipping through her fingers as she held him against her. Her touch told him more than words how much she wanted what he was doing. 

For one final time, he had marked her as his. 

She opened her eyes and shook her head slightly. There was so much that she needed to do and she didn’t have time to get lost in memories or in wishful thinking. No matter how close Reid came to convincing her that they were meant to be together, she knew that he was wrong in this case. It was too late for them and she had to leave before she caused him pain. 

Better to leave in secrecy and have him angry and hating her than for her to stay around and be the one to hurt him again. She just couldn’t risk that happening. He had made a very good life for himself and he didn’t need her around to make a mess of things. 

Besides, she had her own life that she needed to return to and put to rights while she still had time and the ability to do so. 

 

She went into her bedroom and began pulling clothing out of her suitcase. Jeans and a tunic sweater would do for right now. It would keep her from getting cold and it would also be casual enough for her to be comfortable so that she could run a few errands while she was here.

Once she was dressed, she pulled out a couple of pill bottles and tapped out her daily regimen of medications. She left the pain medication in her overnight bag as she didn’t think she was going to need them right now. Pills in hand, she went to small fridge in the suite and pulled out the bottle of juice that she had purchased before going to her signing last night. Swallowing the pills, she finished a full glass of juice and then washed the glass out and left in the sink to dry.

She grabbed her shoulder bag and headed out into the main room. Her hand was on the door to her suite when she saw the note taped at eye level.

_Don’t even think of leaving. We still have some unfinished business between us. ~R_

Jhaidan stared at the note, her jaw dropping at the audacity of the man. Her hand was shaking from anger as she reached to tear the note off of the door. Crumpling it into a ball, she dropped in on the floor on her way out. She could clean it up later.

Outside of the hotel, she squinted from the sunlight. It was brighter than she expected and her sunglasses were back upstairs in her suite. Not wanting to turn around, she started walking down the sidewalk. The office she was going to was only a short walk from her hotel and she figured she would be all right during the short trip.

She was half way to her destination when the nagging pain she was used to feeling exploded into a white hot vice around her head. She whimpered, bringing both hands up to her head as she felt the world spinning around her. She closed her eyes, trying to get her equilibrium back, but her entire body felt like it was on fire. She had been warned that things like this might happen, but she hadn’t been expecting or prepared for it.

“Jhaidan?!”

She opened her eyes and saw a blurry figure moving quickly towards her. She blinked, but all it did was make her world tilt even more.

She tried to speak, and then felt herself falling and saw everything go dark around her.

 

 

There was an insistent knocking at his office door and Reid looked up from his desk with a look of annoyance on his face.

“Go away, I’m busy.”

“Mr. Jacobs, it’s important.” The voice of his assistant sounded strained. “It concerns the young woman that you’ve had me researching.”

Reid frowned and pressed the button on the underside of his desk that would unlock the door and let his assistant come in.

“What about her, Craig?”

“It seems that she has been rushed to the hospital by ambulance, sir.”

Reid felt his entire body stiffen. “Explain.”

“I don’t have any details as of yet,” Craig said. “All I know is that she was found unconscious outside of the hotel. When she didn’t respond, the hotel manager called an ambulance.”

“Was she trying to leave town?”

“I don’t know, sir. The only thing that your man at the scene has been able to tell me is that she didn’t appear to be dressed for traveling and only had a briefcase.”

As far as he knew, not being dressed for travel had never stopped Jhaidan from picking up and leaving town on a whim. After all, she had done it before.

He had thought that last night meant something to her like it had meant to him. So why was she trying to run away from him _again_?

He sighed, shaking his head as he got to his feet. She would just never learn, would she? He locked his desk and walked around it. It looked like he was going to have to give her a reminder of a few things. _The hospital_? Really? That was the best that she could come up with as an escape plan?

“Sir, if I may point something out before you go storming the gates of a hospital to carry her kicking and screaming back to your tower?” The older man’s voice was dry.

He stopped and looked at Craig. “Just one point?”

“You still think you’re a comedian,” Craig said, shaking his head. “My point is that according to your man on the scene, Ms. Matthews was not responding to treatment on the scene. There seems to be some kind of mystery about what really happened and no one has been allowed into her hospital room except for her doctor.”

“I _will_ get in to see her and find out what she thinks she’s trying to do.”

“Just keep in mind that no matter the past between the two of you, something might very well be wrong with her and this is not just a ploy to get away from you and obviously it’s not a publicity stunt as outside of the hospital staff and the hotel manager, you and I appear to be the only ones that know about this.”

Reid lifted his eyebrow and Craig sighed, shaking his head.

“Try not to get arrested, then. You already pay your blood-sucking lawyer too much as it is.”

“You’re going soft on me,” Reid teased as he opened the door to leave.

“Not hardly. I’m just tired of having to explain to the staff why you’ve been arrested in yet another fight. Getting arrested at a hospital would just be one of those things that you would never live down no matter how much money you spent to keep it quiet.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Reid responded as he left his office.

The trip to the hospital was a short one and the entire ride there Reid wondered what in the hell she had done to herself. He’d warned her not to try to leave without telling him and she decided to hitch a ride out of town on an ambulance? Even for her, that was a little melodramatic. Lucky for her, she would be held up at the hospital for some time since there would be paperwork she would have to fill out and she would have to be examined by a physician since an ambulance had transported her. She wouldn’t be able to just walk out of the hospital and disappear.

She couldn’t disappear again. There were too many unanswered questions and there were way too many reasons that she needed to stay. Last night had just strengthened that belief with him. He and Jhaidan still fit too well together – angry or not. The sex was definitely better than he had remembered it being and he knew that she felt the same. After all, she had said so more than once. He was still able to feel how her body had felt beneath his last night and there was no way he was willing to give that feeling up as of yet.

Sex and anger was not basis for a relationship, but it was a good distraction from things in the meantime.

It was also a good way to keep him from thinking too deeply while he worked on a plan to keep her in town.

 

When Reid arrived at the hospital, he went directly to the Emergency room. As he expected, his man that he had left at the hotel to keep an eye on Jhaidan and her movements was waiting for him right outside the doors.

“Michaelson.”

“Mr. Jacobs.”

“What happened? Where is she?”

“She’s back through there,” he said, gesturing to the doors that led back into the beds. “But they won’t let anyone but family in to see her.”

“They’ll damn well let me.”

“I don’t think so, sir. She’s not in Emergency. They’ve moved her to a different department.”

The look Reid gave him was not a friendly one. “What department?”

“They wheeled her to Intensive Care shortly after she was brought in, sir,” Michaelson responded. “We can go to the ward, but they’re not going to let you any closer to her.”

Reid shook his head and gestured that Michaelson follow him to the elevator. Once they were on their way to the floor that housed the Intensive Care Unit, he gave his employee a look.

“I’m not sure what happened, sir. One moment she was walking down the sidewalk outside of the hotel towards the parking lot and then the next moment she was on the ground. When I got to her, her entire face was white and she seemed to be sweating a great deal.”

Reid frowned.

“I called for help and the hotel managed called for the ambulance.”

“She’s faking. I never would have expected her to go through such great lengths to get away from me, but the woman is just full of tricks to get her way.” When the elevator reached their floor, the two men stepped out and continued down the hall. “She’s not disappearing so easily again.”

“Sir, I think there is something really wrong with her.”

“And why is that? Because she collapsed and was covered in sweat?”

“No, because she hasn’t regained consciousness since that time.” Michaelson looked at his employer. “I even smacked her cheeks lightly a few times to see if I could get any kind of response from her. She didn’t even flinch.”

That was worrisome. If she didn’t flinch or react when smacked – no matter how lightly – then there was the chance that there was something really wrong with her.

“Where is she?”

“The third room,” Michaelson answered, gesturing with his hand.

Reid nodded and continued down the hall by himself, leaving Michaelson in the waiting area. The report he was given didn’t make sense to him. There had been nothing wrong with Jhaidan when he left her asleep in her hotel beyond the fact that he had worn her completely out. Being worn out and so incredibly satisfied wasn’t something that would have caused a collapse like Michaelson was describing. In fact, the idea that she had collapsed made no sense to him, either.

His mind couldn’t deny what his eyes were seeing a few moments later as he peered into the room where Jhaidan had been taken. There was an oxygen mask over her face and there were two doctors taking notes and checking her vital signs. There was only the slightest resemblance between the woman on the bed and the one he had left sleeping this morning.

“What’s happened to her,” Reid demanded of the first doctor that finally came out of Jhaidan’s room.

The doctor looked at him, his eyes revealing nothing. “And you are?”

“I'm a friend of Ms. Matthews’.”

That wasn’t a good enough answer for the doctor. “So you’re not family, then.”

“No, but I might as well be. We’re very old friends.”

The doctor shook his head. “I can only release that information to her family or her next of kin.”

Reid was fighting to control his anger. It was simmering right beneath the surface, but he was trying to keep it in check.

“I’m the only person that she knows in this entire city,” he bit out. That wasn’t exactly true, but he had no idea what the full name of Jhaidan’s assistant was.

“Then you’ll either have to wait until she wakes up or someone from her family verifies that you’re allowed to see her and talk to me about her condition.”

Reid bit back several epithets as he watched the doctor walk away. Once he was out of sight, he turned back to the window to look in at Jhaidan. Seeing how fragile and still she was, he wondered if he was misjudging her because of what had happened in the past – not that he had much else to judge her actions by. It was a little hard to believe that she was so desperate to get away from him that she might have done something to herself that caused her to end up in the hospital.

Hard to believe, but not out of the realm of possibility. It was easy for him to think that this kind of hospital stay had not been in her plans. Something probably went wrong with whatever idea she had had.

That was a better thing to think about than to believe that there was something actually wrong with her. The idea of something really being wrong caused all kinds of thoughts in his head that he didn’t want to try to deal with right now.

He watched her a long time and then turned and went back down the hall. He wasn’t surprised to see that Michaelson was still by the elevators. He punched the button on the keypad on the wall and was silent for a few moments. It wasn’t until the elevator door opened that Reid spoke.

“Stay with her and keep an eye on her,” he ordered. “When she regains consciousness and gets discharged, you bring her directly to me. Call in someone else if you think you need to.”

Michaelson had time to nod before the door closed and the elevator began its descent.

 

"You bastard!" The doors to his office slammed open with enough force to bounce against the walls and only the quick steps of the woman coming towards him kept her from being hit by them as they swung back to her. "You fucking bastard!"

He frowned. "Jhaidan?"

"It wasn't enough for you to break into my hotel suite and make yourself at home. But then you staked out my hospital room?! You sent your men to get me from the hospital because you thought that my collapse was a ploy to buy myself time to figure out a way to get away from you?" She threw a manila folder that was crammed full of paperwork onto his desk with enough force that the paper went everywhere as it slid across the smooth finish of his workspace. "I'm not a child and I don't and never have faked any illness or injury just to get away from someone. I have especially never did something so underhanded where you were concerned!" Her hands curled into fists. "I was trying to keep my medical information private so that I didn’t accidentally hurt you with the reality, you asshole. I was trying not to give you any more reasons to think I was a horrible person. Yet, you couldn’t just let it be and leave me alone? You thought I faked a collapse as a way to get even with you and find another way to run out of town before you could get whatever kind of satisfaction from me and my emotions that you think you deserve."

Reid let out a breath as he shook his head as he gathered up the paperwork that she had thrown at him. Of all of the things he had been thinking, he had never once thought that she was trying to avoid him in some kind of attempt to protect him. The file that was spread all over his desk was full of more information than he had expected. He lifted his eyes from the mess of paper to look at her as his hand picked up the first one he saw with the explanation as to why she had been so weak and had been rushed to the hospital in the first place.

“ALS?” His voice was a whisper of sound as he let out a shocked breath.

"Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis." Jhaidan confirmed tonelessly. "That's the diagnosis and there’s an explanation about it somewhere in all of that medical jargon that explains it much better than I can. There's no coming back from a diagnosis like that. It's not something that can be fixed by surgery or cured by medications."

He was silent as he read more of the paperwork in front of him, his mind trying to make sense of everything he was seeing. “How long?” He demanded, clearing his throat. “How long have you known about this?”

“I was diagnosed two years ago,” she said quietly.

“It says here that people usually die between two and three years after the diagnosis…”

Jhaidan nodded silently, not looking at him, and instead looking at the papers that were now all over his desk. "I know."

"What caused this? Why can't they help you?"

Her laugh was without humor. "They don't know, Reid. It's sometimes hereditary but no one else in my family has ever had this. It just happens and this time it was my number that was up."

“You make it all sound so final.”

“It _is_ , Reid. This is what the reality is and not even your demands that I change things can undo this. It’s bigger than even your ego and pride. I _told_ you that there were things in life that you couldn’t fix, but you just wouldn’t leave it alone. You had to keep dogging me and making me play the mouse to your cat. I begged you to let things be, but you just couldn’t see your way to doing that. You had to be in control and you had to know every aspect of my life. Well, congratulations. Now you do. Feel better that you’ve finally stripped me of all of my secrets?”

“You were never going to tell me, were you?”

"Of course not." Her shake of the head confirmed his assumption. “What would have been the point? You were already angry at me and perhaps rightfully so.”

Her voice was quiet, but he could hear the pain that he hadn’t been paying attention to at any point since she had returned to town. If he was perfectly honest, he would admit that he hadn’t been listening for her feelings at all. He had been so full of anger and hurt that he had tuned a great many things out. Her pallor and the huskiness of her voice had a reason now. Those contact lenses that he had thought of as ridiculous had new meaning. So many things he had noticed in the last few days and had brushed aside now made him feel like the worst person in the history of forever.

“If I hadn’t been in town and confronted you, you would have just left and finished your book tour,” he said in a carefully even voice. “You would have just left me to wonder what had happened to you. If you had managed to be able to sneak out of the hotel to get to the airport –“He shook his head. “If you hadn’t collapsed and had to be taken to the hospital –“

“Don’t act like the wounded party, Reid,” she said. “It’s not a good look on you. Don’t do the pity thing. It was much better when you hated me and thought I was being a selfish bitch and throwing your feelings of thirteen years ago away. I think we’re both beyond that now.”

“Don’t assume that you know what I’m thinking or feeling right now, Jhaidan.” His anger caused his voice to shake slightly.

“Why not?” She demanded. “Isn’t that what you’ve been doing with me ever since you heard I was coming back here? Isn’t that what you’ve done for the last thirteen years?”

Her voice was flat, controlled, even, and Reid found himself wishing that she was snapping at him and losing her temper on him. He knew how to react when she was running on temper and being driven by her emotions. This carefully controlled Jhaidan was someone that he wasn’t familiar with and he didn’t know what to expect from the woman standing in front of him.

“Jhaidan …” His voice faltered. “Why don’t you sit down? You probably shouldn’t be on your feet right now.”

“You weren’t so concerned about that when you sent your people to the hospital to bring me here.” She snapped.

“I thought you were going to disappear on me again.”

“And that would have been a problem for you? You made it pretty damn clear the other night what you thought about me, Reid.” Jhaidan sighed and sat down in the chair across from his desk. “Why do you care now about my feelings or my well-being?”

“I’ve always cared about those things, Jaguar. It’s not my fault that you made incorrect assumptions about how I felt when we were kids.”

“Or how you've treated me since you found me at the signing. Maybe it's not your fault that I made assumptions, but it is your fault that you didn’t say anything to me after the first night and gave me nothing else to work with. If you knew me half as well as you claim to, then you would have come to talk to me after a few nights and not wait for me to contact you.” Her eyes pinned him to the chair. “Admit it. You were so sure that I would call you and not listen to you when you said not to come around.”

“It’s not like you were known for listening to things you didn’t want to hear.”

“Except when it is made pretty clear to me that I’m not wanted around.”

“Damn it, I did want you around,” Reid snapped. “But you scared the hell out of me with that stunt and I needed some space to get my head clear.”

“I scared you by omission,” she retorted. “It wasn’t intentional. You breaking my heart and my faith in you that night were intentional. You were trying to teach me a lesson and the problem for you has always been that I learned that lesson a lot better than you ever thought I would.”

“That’s not fair and you know it.”

“Since when have you cared about being fair unless it benefited you?”

Reid sighed again and rubbed a hand over his face. He didn’t remember feeling this tired in a very long time. He felt like he had been wrung out. “I suppose that if I ask you why you weren’t going to tell me the truth about what’s going on with you that you’d accuse me of being unreasonable again.”

She shrugged. “I might.” She leaned back in the chair. “Why don’t you try the asking thing?”

He looked at her, realizing what it was she was saying. He hadn’t really _asked_ anything since she had arrived. Oh, he had phrased many things as questions, but he hadn’t really been asking. Even his questions of her had been demands. He didn’t like having to look at himself and his actions through her eyes. It didn’t make him feel very proud of himself.

“Jaguar,” he said softly. “Please tell me why you were going to hide the truth of your condition from me?”

She looked at him in silence for a long moment, seeming to be surprised that he had actually _asked_. She was silent for so long that he had the sudden fear that she wasn't going to answer his question.

"Why does it mean so much to you?"

Jhaidan's voice was so quiet that for a moment Reid thought he had imagined the question. When he looked into her face, he saw that he had heard the simple question. It was such a simple question, but there was no simple answer and Reid knew that everything now hinged on him answering this the right way. Sadly, he could see in her eyes that she didn’t expect him to have an answer for her and he wondered just how much damage his own pride and stubborn anger had done to them both. How long had it been since she believed without question that she mattered to him?

“Because no matter what impression you’ve had of me for the past thirteen years – or even the last few days – you are important to me, Jhaidan. You always have been.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I know I haven’t been very good at showing it and I honestly don’t remember when I stopped telling you back then and just assumed that no matter what I said you would know how much you meant to me. The idea … the reality that you’ve known you’re dying all of this time and didn’t plan on ever telling me and were going to go through it all on your own kills something inside me. It makes me realize that you thought you had reason to believe that it wouldn’t matter to me.” He took a breath. "Because ... you're mine and you always have been."

“You didn’t want me,” Jhaidan’s tone and Reid felt his own heart clench at how hurt her voice sounded. She had said the same thing at her hotel, but it didn't stab at him as much as it was doing now. “I thought that I was yours and that you were mine back then, Reid. We called ourselves soul mates and you told me that you could remember a time in the past where we were together.”

“We were,” he said firmly, discussing his own belief and spirituality for the first time since she had left him. “We were together before, you saw it as clearly as I did.”

“Something I also saw clearly, Reid, was that in every life that we were together, something happened to tear us apart,” she reminded him. “I told you of all of the dreams and visions I was seeing when I meditated and you told me … well, I’m sure you remember what you told me.”

He let out a breath, looking down at his hands. “That you didn’t need to worry about that happening again because this was an enlightened age and that no man and no force in existence could tear us apart.”

“And yet the damage was done.” Jhaidan said carefully. “It seems that no matter the age – enlightened or not – we’re destined to hurt each other.”

“I don’t believe that, Jhaidan,” he responded. He _couldn’t_ believe it. "You can't believe that."

She shrugged and he could see how careful she was moving. She was probably in pain – had probably been in pain the whole time she had been in Vancouver. He must have only made the physical pain even worse with everything they did at the hotel. The fact that he could only imagine what kind of pain she was in and that she was trying so hard to hide it from him hurt more than her flight thirteen years ago had. When was the exact moment that he had lost her trust? When had she decided that she couldn’t tell him when she was hurting?

 _Probably about the same time I let her go,_ he admitted to himself.

“What life did you tell me that we were on back then, Reid?”

“Thirteenth,” he answered reluctantly. Thirteen years without her in the thirteenth lifetime he had lost her.

“Maybe someone is trying to tell us something, Reid. If we can’t get our shit together and make things work between us after thirteen tries, maybe we should stop trying.” Her smile was sad. “Maybe no matter what we believe or what dreams or memories we have of prior times, maybe we’re just not meant to be together. We seem to take turns making a glorious mess of things whenever we try.”

“You told me back then that you believed that this would be the time we would fix it,” he said calmly. “You told me that thirteen was a lucky number and we would be all right this time.”

“I was wrong.”

“You don’t really mean that.” The problem was, he could tell from her eyes and the tone of her voice that she did believe what she was saying.

“I do, Reid. There are no happy endings to our story and maybe we just need to accept that. It’s quite possible that our two souls are weary of going through the same thing over and over again and they want peace. They deserve peace and maybe their peace isn’t meant to be with each other.”

“You don’t believe that any more than I do,” Reid tried to reason with her. “You’ve made your living writing books about time-crossed soul mates trying to get their happy endings.”

“Fairy tales are just that, tales. I can’t mend your hardened heart and you can’t build me a castle of dreams.”

“You believed that I could once.”

“I was very young then,” Jhaidan said quietly, looking up at him and spreading her hands. “I believed in a lot if things back then, but I learned that dreams don’t always transfer to reality. Prince Charming has flaws and Snow White isn’t pure and innocent.”

“I never thought that I would hear you sounding so cynical.”

Cynicism sounded so wrong coming from her. God, she was the dreamer and believed that everyone had someone destined for them and that people could find their happiness no matter what was happening around them.

“I grew up.” She responded.

“Even grown-ups dream about happily ever afters,” he countered.

“You didn’t.”

“I di – what?” Her phrasing threw him.

“You didn’t believe in it,” she repeated. “Even back then. Oh, you pretended really well and I believed you completely, but there was something about you that fought against the poet you claimed to be and the realist you were afraid that you would become.”


	5. Chapter 5

“What do you mean by that?”

“Look around you, Reid. When I left, you stopped allowing the poet to have voice. The power that you sought is based in solid reality. Concrete and steel. Fear and loathing. There are no dreams here.”

“Maybe building like this is the way I build my castles, Jaguar.”

The nickname made him realize just how much it fit her. Oh, when they were younger it had been perfect for her because of the fact that she had been through so much and yet kept landing on her feet. It fit the way she ran head on into whatever was coming her way – and the way that she used to curl into him when he was holding her close. Now, though, the name fit her because of how she had gotten used to doing everything by herself. A random fact he read about jaguars drifted into his mind and it caused him to have to bite back a shudder of emotion.

_Jaguars often found themselves a place to be alone when they felt death coming for them._

“You don’t build castles, Reid. All you have built are fortresses.” She met his brown eyes with her fake greenish-blue ones. “When was the last time you took pen to paper for anything but signing your name to acquire a new piece of property? When was the last time that you let your heart set words to paper?”

“About a year after you left,” he finally admitted.

“And I suppose that I am to blame for that, as well?”

He let out a breath and realized that he couldn’t lie to her – especially not now. “At the time, yeah, I held you responsible for the fact that I couldn’t seem to write any longer. But it wasn’t your fault, not really. You were just easier for me to blame it on.”

“So what was the real reason that you stopped?”

“I just didn’t have the heart to write any longer.” Jhaidan looked like she was going to say something and he shook his head. “You were my muse, Jhaidan. You gave me inspiration by just being who you were.”

“You were a writer long before you met me, Reid,” she reminded him.

“I wrote things before I met you, true. But, I wasn’t a _writer_ until you.”

Now it was her turn to shake her head. “You make it sound like there is a difference in the two.”

“There is and you know it better than anyone does, Jaguar.” He frowned at her. “Before you, I wrote words down. With you, there were new emotions in the words that I wrote down. After you left, the emotion was gone and the words became flat again. I couldn’t stand writing such flat and meaningless phrases, so I stopped trying.”

“Hate is just as strong an emotion as love.” She pointed out. "Flip sides of the same coin. If you love someone strongly, then you'll hate them just as strongly, too. You should have had plenty of vitriol to put down onto paper after I left."

“If you like,” he said with a shrug, because she was simply speaking her mind as she saw what would usually happen. She wasn't trying to antagonize him into anything with this. "But hate didn't seem to let me create the same level of emotional impact that writing with love in my mind did."

"I kept everything you had ever written me," she said, looking down at her hands as she thread her fingers together and then separated them again. "I have them in a safe deposit box at my penthouse and they're locked in a wall safe in my room."

"I know you too well to be surprised that you kept every letter or poem I wrote you," he admitted. "By why the safe?"

"Isn't that where you're supposed to put valuables? A safe?"

"Valuables usually means that they're priceless, Jhaidan."

"They are to me, Reid. You should know. I mean, you seem to have purchased at least one of each of my books, and even if you haven't read any of them, I know you at least open them and read the dedication page. Each book contains a dedication to my Lord of the Valley of the Black Orchids. Each preface starts with something from a letter or a poem that you had written for me."

"When you left, I figured that you had gotten rid of anything that would have reminded me of you since you didn't want to be around me any more." He didn't mean for the words to sound harsh or bitter, but that was how he had felt at the time.

"You're the one that sent me away, Reid," she said quietly. "You let me go."

"I didn't expect you to leave the damn country."

“It wasn’t something that I had planned on doing when it happened, Reid,” she said softly. “When we fought that night and you dropped me off at my apartment, I didn’t immediately think that I had to leave the country. I didn’t have any plans. There was just this knot of pain and it was hard to breathe around it. You didn’t want me. You sent me away because you thought that I was too reckless and didn’t know how to deal with that.”

“No, that wasn’t it at all,” Reid argued, shaking his head. “I was scared, Jhaidan. I was scared because I realized that something could happen to you and I could lose you.” He looked at her. “It wasn’t just about what happened with Michael.” When Jhaidan looked surprised to hear the name, he gave a short laugh. “Yeah, I remember the bastard’s name. He hurt you, caused me to hurt you and also caused me to lose the most important person in my life.”

“Don’t –“

“No, let me finish. I’ve been going on and on about you owing me explanations and answers, but I owe you the same thing.”

“It doesn’t matter, Reid. What’s done is done.”

“It matters to me,” he refuted her protest. “I need to say these things and I should have said them a long time ago. I should have said them that night or the next one. It shouldn’t have taken thirteen years for you to hear them.”

Jhaidan pulled her bottom lip between her teeth as she tried to find a more comfortable position in the chair. Reid frowned and picked up the phone on his desk. Jhaidan closed her eyes while he did that, trying to force the last few hours to make some kind of sense in her mind. However, her eyes flew open when she felt herself being lifted in the air and her startled glance landed on Reid.

“Relax,” he murmured. “I’m just trying to help.” As he said that, he sat her down in a more comfortably padded chair that he must have had brought in while he was on the phone. He sat her down and then retreated back to his chair behind his desk.

“The uncomfortable chairs are usually to intimidate the most troublesome of clients who think that they’ll be able to force me to create to their design specifications instead of to my own,” he explained. “Now then,” his brown eyes pierced hers. “I believe I was accounting for the past.”

She sighed, weary of fighting him on everything and nodded, leaning back in the chair.

“As I was saying, Michael was the catalyst but not the reason I pushed you away, Jhaidan. I was scared.”

Jhaidan gave him a disbelieving look. “You’re never scared.”

“I was scared that night,” he admitted. “No one had heard from you for two days and we didn’t even know where to begin looking for you. All Jason knew was that your old apartment was north of the city somewhere. None of us had even the idea of an address and since the apartment was in Michael’s name, we couldn’t find you in any of the directories. Then when Lena and Amanda found you and brought you back to us, you were beaten up and so fragile looking.” He sighed, leaning back in his chair as he looked at her. “I got scared and I didn’t like the feeling. It hit me that something worse could have happened to you and none of us would have known about it until too late – if ever.” He sighed, running a hand over his face. “I was scared of losing you. You had become so important to me in such a short time that anything happening to you scared the fuck out of me. I wasn’t strong enough to deal with that I reacted badly. Instead of holding you and taking care of you that night, instead of telling you how I was really feeling, I hurt you even more. I hurt you and made you feel bad for being the person I had fallen in love with and then to make matters even worse, I pushed you away.”

Jhaidan swallowed at the confession, unable to look at his face. She looked down into her lap, where her fingers were interlaced. “I lost everything that night – at least I thought I had because that was how it felt. I had been so scared about what was happening with Michael and I was in so much pain that I was trying not to show. All I kept thinking was that I needed to get back to you because you would let me know that it was safe and that everything was going to be all right now that I was finally free of him and his hold over me.”

“You needed me and I wasn’t there,” he sighed. “I failed you when you needed me the most. It didn’t occur to me at the time that you might need me because you seemed so strong and you were always so determined to handle anything that happened by yourself.”

“Because that’s what I was used to and had always done. Yes, I had friends and good friends that I could go to, but that usually happened only after the trouble was over, Reid. It was all I knew how to do.”

“You had _me_.”

“And I didn’t want to add to anything you might be going through by adding my problems to yours.”

“And in less than two weeks time, what I had been the most afraid of happened. You were gone and no one knew where you were or what had happened to you. Your big brother didn’t even know, Jhaidan. I can understand – now, sort of – you not telling me what was going on with you. However, you left Jason hanging, too. I didn’t think that you were capable of hurting him that much. I may have deserved your anger and your desire to retaliate, but Jason didn’t deserve that.”

Jhaidan stared at him in shock for a moment and then her face tightened with anger. “You think that’s what I did? You think that I left the country because I was trying to get even with you for hurting me?” She shook her head in disbelief, moving to the edge of the chair, before she slowly got to her feet. “Goddess, you are still so fucking sure that everything has always been about you.”

“Sit down before you fall down.” He winced at how much like an order that sounded.

“Fuck you,” she snarled. “You don’t get to order me around, Reid.”

At least her anger had put some color in her cheeks, Reid noted, even as he shook his head.

“Jaguar, please, sit down.” He waited until she finally complied and then sighed. “What was I supposed to think? We fought, I hurt you and then you were gone without a word.”

She sat silently, trying to regain the tattered edges of her temper to herself. When she thought she could talk calmly again, she looked at Reid.

“You were the catalyst, but not the complete reason that I left,” she said quietly. “Some months before meeting you, I had applied for a copy editing job at a publishing house that was based out of New York. I didn’t hear back from the company and thought that was the end of it. The day after we fought and you took me home, their human resources manager called me. I waited two days before I called them.”

Reid didn’t let the realization of the timing show on his face as he looked at her. She waited for two days before she called about the job. She had waited until she was sure he wasn’t going to contact her.

Damn it.

“You could have called me,” he finally commented.

“I felt that you had made it pretty clear that I was to stay away from you until you got things figured out in your head.” She ran her hands through her hair. “When three days passed and I still didn’t hear anything from you, I called the publishing house for an interview. They did a phone screening and then I flew out there for an interview. I went back home and two days later, I had a job offer. It had been two weeks since I had heard anything from you, so I took that as a clear sign that I was to take the job and start my life over.”

“You could have called me or come to see me,” he pointed out as gently as he could manage with the barrage of emotions he was feeling.

“You told me to stay away from you, Reid,” she reminded him tiredly. “You said that I shouldn’t come around you for awhile and that you needed time to work things out in your head.”

“And you listened to me?” His voice was incredulous. “You’d never listened to advice from any of us before.”

“I thought if I listened and did what you said it would show you that I was worth the trouble and you would like me again.” She stared down at her hands. “I didn’t expect that the phone call wouldn’t come … that you wouldn’t knock on my door a few days afterward.”

“Oh, Jaguar …”

She shrugged, still looking down at her hands. What more was there for her to say? Things changed and she had done her best to move on with her life.

“And your brother? Why didn’t you tell him where you were?”

“I didn’t leave him with a whole lot of questions. I mean, I told him that I was safe and that I had a new job that I loved. I called him when my first book was being picked up for publishing.”

“But you didn’t tell him where you were.” He pointed out. “Why not?”

She shook her head slowly. “I couldn’t tell him where I was because I knew he could never lie to you or keep a secret from you, Reid. By that time, I just didn’t want to talk about you because it hurt too damn much. I also figured that by that time, you were doing your own thing and didn’t need to be reminded of the mistake you almost made.”

“The _mistake_ I almost made?” He could think about a lot of mistakes he had made with her, but he wasn’t sure what she meant by _almost_. Looking at her face, he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to like her answer.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “Staying with me.”

He didn’t yell at her for that. God knew that his first reaction was anger and he wanted to yell, but he could tell from her face and her voice that it was something she believed was true. Never once in all of the time between the last time he’d seen her and now had he ever viewed anything that happened with her to be a mistake. The biggest mistake he’d made had been in letting her go and he had kicked himself in the head over and over again for that.

“Why didn’t you tell me at the signing, or even at your hotel that you were ill?” He demanded as calmly as he could.

“Dying, Reid. I’m not ill, I’m dying. There’s a difference.”

“And what would you say the difference is?”

Her voice was gentle as she looked at him. “I can’t take medicine for this, Reid. I’m not going to get better and not even you with all of your anger and stubbornness and brute force can change that.”

“I don’t know if I can accept that.”

“You don’t have a choice. This is reality. It’s the reality that I have raged and screamed and cried against, but it’s the reality that I had to face. And now, because you couldn’t leave well enough alone, it’s a reality that you have to face, too.”

He decided to leave that argument alone for right now. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“What was the point, Reid? I wasn’t going to let you think it was some ploy to make you feel bad or that I was trying to get pity. I don’t want your pity and I didn’t want you feeling bad over something you couldn’t control.” She sighed. “I thought it was better that you remember me with anger than with pity.” She swallowed. “And hey, you got a good fuck out of it. Hate sex is a lot more fun than pity sex would be.”

He flinched, remembering what he had told her the other night when she protested because he didn’t even like her any longer. _“Liking someone has precious little to do with fucking someone sometimes.”_

“Jaguar,” he whispered, but she put up a hand to stop him.

“Don’t. Don’t apologize for that night because you were right. I did want you, Reid.” Her voice was husky, but with emotion. “I’ve never stopped wanting you and that night… well, would you have been so determined to seduce me if you had known I was dying before you broke into the hotel suite?”

“Of course not!” And then he realized what she was getting at.

“Exactly,” she said quietly. “You might have broken into my hotel suite to get me to talk to you and give you the answers that you needed, but nothing else would have happened and it’s not something that I regret happening.”

“I was so rough with you, Jaguar,” he said, shaking his head. “I took everything from you that I wanted to and I got you to do things that I shouldn’t have.”

Jhaidan stood up and reached across the desk to put her hand over his. “You didn’t take anything that I didn’t already want to give you, Reid. Everything that happened did so because I wanted it very much.” She swallowed and looked into his face. “Reid, I _wanted_ you and I wanted you to let go and come at me with everything that you have. I needed that as much as you did -- whether you admit to it or not. If you knew that I was dying, you would have changed everything. You have been careful and overly gentle when you touched me."

"Damn right I would have been!"

"And that's why I didn't tell you. Having you being hesitant to touch me because of what is happening to me would have broken something in me all over again. I got to have things real with you for one night, Reid." She shook her head. "I wouldn't have given that up for anything. Having you just go at me with no worries was one of the best nights I have ever had."

"I could have seriously hurt you, Jaguar," he said with self-loathing in his voice. "I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to hurt you and make you see how good it could still be with us. I wanted to prove how well we still fit together so that I could convince you to stay."

"You didn't hurt me, Reid. You made me feel more alive than I have in a very long time and I will always be thankful to you for that."

"I don't want your gratitude, Jhaidan."

"Then what do you want from me now, Reid? You know what happened thirteen years ago. You know why I left and what happened. You know why I was rushed to the hospital. There are no more parts of my life for you to peel away to get your answers. You know everything now."

"And you're no longer going to through any of this alone."

Jhaidan blinked at him, not sure what he was saying. "What do you mean, Reid?"

"You're mine and always have been mine," he said gently as he came around the desk to stand in front of her. "You're not doing all of this alone, Jaguar. You're not going to face the pain all on your own and you're not going to face your death alone. I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere."

She swallowed, looking up into his face. "So what happens now?"

“I don’t entirely know,” he admitted. “But whatever it is, we’ll figure it out together.”

“I can’t ask that of you, Reid.”

“But you’re not,” he pointed out.

“You don’t have to do anything,” she said quietly, shaking her head. “I’ve read all about what’s going to happen and I wouldn’t wish experiencing all of that on my worst enemy.”

“I want to be there, Jhaidan,” he said. “I know it’s not going to be good and it’s not going to be pretty, but I want to be there.”

“Why? Why would you put yourself through something like that when you don’t have to?”

“Because I love you.”

“I can’t do this to you.” Her voice was soft.

“You’re not doing anything to me.”

Now the tears were sliding down her cheeks. “I care too much about you, Reid.”

He simply pulled her into his arms. “I love you, Jhaidan. I’m not going to run just because things aren’t going to end well. Because it’s the time in between now and the end that matters.”

She leaned against him. “I don’t want you to be hurt, Reid. I don't.”

“I know you don’t,” he said, running a hand over her hair. “And I appreciate the concern for my feelings and well being. But any time I get with you, it’s amazing and I’ll be grateful for it.”

“I may not have more than a few months left, love. That hardly seems fair to you.”

“Stop worrying about what’s fair to me,” Reid said softly. “For the moment, stop worrying about that and tell me what _you_ want.”

“If it was any other time, I would tell you that I wanted to be with you and that I loved you.”

“Put aside everything for the moment. Focus on what would make _you_ happy for the remainder of your time.”

“I want to know that I won’t die with you hating me for putting you through all of this.”

“No matter what, I will _never_ hate you for any of it,” he promised solemnly.

“I love you, Reid,” she whispered. “I don’t want you to hurt.”

“I know you don’t. You keep saying that so there's no way to doubt how much you're fighting against doing anything that can hurt me.”

“But I can’t lie and say that I don’t want to do this alone.”

“I don’t want you to lie. I want you to be honest.”

“I want you to be with me... but I also don’t want you hurting.”

“The hurt will be worth it.”

“How can you say that so calmly?”

“Because I love you, Jhaidan.”

“I couldn’t take … I couldn’t handle another fight and losing you again, Reid,” she admitted her fears in a very soft voice. “It would destroy me even worse now.” She choked back a sob. “I know you don’t understand that feeling right now, but it’s what I’m worried about. In my dreams I --” She stopped her words with a firm snap of her jaw.

“If you’re so convinced I don’t understand, then explain it to me.”

“I keep seeing you walk away,” she confessed softly. “I see it in my dreams. I see you trying to be strong and telling me that you’re never leaving me, but then you walk away. I call your name but you don’t even seem to hear me.”

“Oh, love...” He looked at her helplessly. “I wish I knew how to convince you that I never would.”

She pushed a strand of hair back behind her ear. “I want you so much,” she admitted. “I want you and I want you with me.”

“Then I’ll be with you.”

She tugged at a stand of her hair, a sign of her worry. “Because you want to, not because you think you have some kind of guilt to deal with?”

“Because I want to,” he promised.

“And if I say that I need you...” She swallowed.

“Yes, love?”

“I need you.” Her voice was almost too soft to hear. “I love you so much and I need you...”

“How do you need me?”

“Any way that you’ll have me.” She looked up at him. “I love you and I need you.”

“I’ll have you in several ways.” He grinned faintly.

“Are you absolutely sure, Reid?”

“Positive.”

She looked up at him for a long moment and then reached out for him.

His response was to pull her close, ducking his head to kiss her fiercely.

Jhaidan whimpered and melted against him as she responded to his kiss.

Reid pulled her even closer as he deepened the kiss.

She made another sound in her throat, letting herself be pulled closer to him.

“I love the sounds you make,” he murmured.

“You cause me to make them.”

“I know, but I still love them.”

“I hope you’ll keep doing so.”

“I will.”

She swallowed. “I love you, Reid.”

“And I love you,” he said. “Will always love you.”

“Can I … I need to ask you a question that you may not like.”

“All right,” he said, looking at her warily.

Her shoulders hunched in, a sure sign that she was expecting anger or rejection. “Would you still be this determined to be with me and love me if I wasn’t dying?”

“I don’t know as I’d be feeling this particularly intense about it,” he said honestly. “But it would not change the fact that I’ve spent the past thirteen years wishing we were back together.”

“You have? All of that time?”

“I have, yes,” he said with a slight inclination of his head.

“I didn’t realize...”

“I’ve been telling you this for a while now.”

“I guess maybe I didn’t really hear it or believe it since there was so much anger and other things going on with us the last couple of days.”

“Understandable enough, I suppose,” he said. “But it’s the truth, Jhaidan.”

“I thought you would have found someone else,” she said softly. “I used to imagine the kind of girl that you would find after you were free of me.”

“There were other women, yes, I won’t lie to you and say that there weren’t. And I even cared deeply for one or two of them. But I loved none of them the way I love you.”

“I never wished for you to be unhappy, Reid,” she said softly. “Even when I was so hurt that I wasn’t sure how I was going to function after you sent me away, I couldn’t wish unhappiness on you. I always hoped you found someone that would be worthy of you and treat you well.”

“My last girlfriend... was the kind of woman you would have liked, I think,” he said. “The kind of woman you’d be friends with if she weren’t my ex. I think that was why it was so easy for me to date her -- it was almost like I had your... well, not approval. But it was almost like I had your opinion on her without actually having your opinion.” He smiled sheepishly.

“Why did you break up, then? She sounds like she was the kind of woman that you needed.”

“She wasn’t you,” he said simply. “My heart always returned to you.”

“I couldn’t stop loving you,” she said softly. “I just couldn’t do it.”

“I couldn’t stop loving you, either,” he said. “I never really tried, because I knew it’d never work.”

“It hurt being without you, but I just … you were my soul mate.”

“And you were mine.”

“Dating … I couldn’t let it happen.”

“So you haven’t dated at all?”

She shook her head. “I first threw myself into work and then … I just couldn’t. There was no one that I wanted.”

“Then I feel as though I should apologize for dating others.”

“No you shouldn’t.”

“I was never truly trying to replace you, I promise.”

“You don’t owe me any explanations for that, Reid,” she said softly. “I was gone.”

“It was still betraying you, your memory. I shouldn’t have.”

“But I left you,” she reminded him. “You had no idea where I was.”

“I was in love with you but I tried to move on.”

“Which is not a crime, Reid.” Her voice was gentle. “You had every reason to and I can’t fault you for that.”

“I think the fact that I never truly managed says something, though,” he said thoughtfully.

“It’s possible.”

“I was always looking for someone like you.”

“I’m not irreplaceable, love.” Jhaidan said softly. "Hell, I'm not the easiest woman to be around sometimes. I know that."

“You are to me.”

“I never knew that.”

“I’m sorry I never communicated that to you.”

“You …” She swallowed. “You can make it up to me.” Her sentence was hesitant, not sure if there was still anger there between them even with the determination he had to be with her.

“How?” he asked, without so much as a hesitation or second thought. “Name it.”

“Take me to bed?”

He smiled at that. “Gladly.”

“Do … do I have to go back to the hotel?”

“Not unless you want to.”

She shook her head. “I can send Foster to get my stuff.”

“Then you don’t have to go back.”

She nodded. “All right. I just want to stay with you for as long as possible.”

“I like the idea of you staying with me.”

“I like that you want me to stay now.” She flushed slightly and shook her head.

He just gave her a warm smile.

“I sound really stupid and dependant, don’t I?”

“No, you sound frightened. It’s understandable.”

“But it’s not you I’m afraid of.” And it wasn’t. She never had been afraid of him.

“I know,” he assured her. “I know.”

“I’ve never been afraid of you.”

“That means the world to me.” He’d always worried about that, after their parting. He’d prayed that she wasn’t, though.

She pressed closer to him, shaking her head. “How could I ever be afraid of you?”

“I worried about a lot of things after we parted ways. Some of them not always founded in reality.”

She was quiet for a long moment and then when she spoke, her voice was very soft. “I worried about a lot of things, too, but never once was there fear of you.”

“Thank you for that,” he said, his voice not quite as soft as hers.

“You don’t need to thank me for that.”

“I know, but I still feel like I should.”

“Why?”

“You could have been afraid of me, after everything went so badly...”

She shook her head. “Hurting and broken-hearted, yes. I can’t deny that I thought my world ended. But I was never afraid of you, Reid. Never.”

“Thank God for that. I think it would break something in me if you’d been afraid of me,” he said honestly. “Afraid of how I’d react to something is one thing. Afraid of me personally is another thing entirely.”

“No, love,” she whispered. “Never afraid of you personally. If there was ever one man that I was not afraid of like that, it’s you. It’s always been you.”

He quirked a smile. “Good.”

She gave him a shy smile back.

“Now, we have something more important to worry about.” He grinned. “Namely that whole taking you to bed thing.”

She grinned. “Yes, love. Take me to bed.”

“Requires there being a bed.”

“Then you should probably take me to your bedroom instead of your office.”

“I suppose I should.” He smiled warmly. “Come on, then, love.”

She smiled, tucking herself against his side. She was tired, so very tired, but she was with Reid and she would fight against her body’s urge to just collapse.

As though he sensed how tired she was, he made sure they moved slowly.

“You slowed down,” she murmured. “Change your mind?” There was teasing in her voice so he would know she didn’t seriously think that.

“Of course not, love. You seem a little tired, though. Didn’t want to move too fast.”

“It’s been a long few days -- even before all of this. But I’ll be okay.”

“You promise?”

She nodded. “Just take me to bed and fuck me senseless and everything will be fine.”

“I can do that.”

“I feel very lucky right now.”

“Oh?” he asked as he led her towards the bedroom.

“I’m with you and you want me.”

“I feel lucky that you want me, so we’re even.”

She lifted her head up to give him a smile. “I never stopped wanting you.”

“Just like I never stopped wanting you.” He might have felt a lot of other things in there, as well, but he’d definitely never stopped wanting her.

“I’m yours.”

“Damn right you are.”

“That never stopped. Even when I … I never stopped thinking of myself as yours.”

They reached the bedroom and he pulled her close again. “You’ve always been mine.”

“I’m glad that you have never stopped thinking that.”

“I didn’t think you still wanted to be mine, but I never stopped thinking of you as mine.”

“I have always been yours -- even while in New York.”

“And now you’re mine again for real and for true.”

She nodded. “I am.”

He smiled at that, even as he tugged her shirt up.

She was happy to help him get rid of her shirt.

“God, you’re beautiful.”

“You’re biased.”

“Maybe, maybe not. It’s still the truth.”

She slid her hands beneath his shirt, pushing it up gently.

He shivered at her touch, pulling back to take his shirt off quickly.

“I’ve always loved looking at you.”

“Why?”

She flushed. “Because you’ve always been gorgeous.”

“You’re no slouch in that area, yourself.”

“Thank you.”

“No need to thank me. It’s the truth.”

“No one has ever made me feel like I am besides you.”

“That’s because we complete each other.”

“I used to be afraid to believe that,” she admitted.

“And now?”

She looked up at him. “And now I’m not afraid I’ll be cold or alone again.”

“I don’t ever want you to be afraid again.”

“With you here with me, I don’t think I ever will be.”

“Good.”

She smiled slightly as she let her hands move across his chest. “I’ve always liked touching you,” she said shyly.

“I certainly won’t stop you if you continue touching me.”

She ran her hands up his chest and then along his shoulders and arms.

He smiled faintly and let Jhaidan’s hands wander where they pleased.

She continued exploring with her hands, running them over his back and then down to the dip above his hips.

“I always liked the way you touched me,” he said. “Like you couldn’t entirely believe your luck.”

“That’s a pretty apt description of it,” she admitted.

“Really?”

She nodded. “Really.”

“Why?”

“Gorgeous guys like you didn't generally notice the girls like me,” she shrugged.

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.”

She blushed softly. “No one has ever said that and meant it before.”

“Well, I mean it. I very much mean it.”

“Thank you.”

“You don’t ever need to thank me for telling you the truth.”

She blushed again.

“You are so beautiful when you blush, you know that?”

She shook her head.

“Well, you are.”

“You might be a little bit biased.”

“So?”

“Just pointing that out.”

“Well, don’t.” But he smiled at her as he said it.

She laughed softly, leaning against him.

“I love it when I can make you laugh.”

“I don’t think I’ve really laughed much in awhile.”

“I hope to be able to make you laugh more.”

“I have no doubts that you will.”

“I hope I can make you laugh every day right up until the end.”

Tears filled her eyes at the simple declaration and she wrapped her arms around him, holding him tighter.

He wrapped his arms around her and just held her close, saying nothing but being there for her.

"I need you," she said softly.

“You’ve got me, love. You’ve got me.”

“Thank you.”

“And you don’t need to thank me for it, either.”

“It’s a habit.”

He smiled, pulling her tightly against him. "It's all right, my Jaguar. I'll have plenty of time to break you of that habit."

 

**TOMORROW**

 

The funeral service was beautiful -- at least that was what her was told when it was all over. He was still too wrapped up in his own grief and anger to recall much of anything about the day. He didn't care about the damn service or how nice people may have thought it was -- as if it could have been anything else when it was for her. What he cared about was that she was _gone_. He had finally been able to bring her back into his life and now she was gone again. Only this time, there was no getting her to come back to him. Death was one of those insurmountable difficulties that he couldn't fight against and no amount of money would be able to make any bargains. He knew that he should have been grateful that he had been given any amount of time with her at all, but it hadn't been enough. It would have never been enough.

After the two of them had talked and they received their answers from each other about what had happened between the two of them all of those years ago, he had packed her up and moved her back to Vancouver. They wanted to be together for however much time that she had left, and there was no way in hell that he was ever again going to be away from her side by choice. Craig was able to manage his business so that he could make the most of whatever time that she had left. That way, he wouldn't have to worry about something with his business taking him away from her when she needed him most.

_One year._

Thirteen years of separation and all of the time they ended up having left together had been a single year.

The time they had left together was the best time she had ever had in her life. He had damn well made sure of that fact. He didn't allow for there to be anything less than perfection for her. She worried about him witnessing what she was going through and she was heartbroken over the pain he was feeling because of that. He did his best to shield her from what he was feeling, but she still knew him to damn well for that to work on her very often. Still, he tried. He didn't like the idea of her having to worry about anything.

There were days that were better than others and they would go out horseback riding or something else that allowed them to be doing something normal together. They would go out hiking or exploring and then he'd take her to dinner somewhere nice and fancy. There were times that he would take her shopping and she would laugh because she didn't think she needed anything beyond what she already had.

Other days, she would be in too much pain or just too weak to get out of their bed on her own. On those days, he would tuck her against his body or on his lap in a chair while they watched DVDs of her favorite movies or else he would read to her. When she told him once that his voice soothed her mind on the bad days, he started reading to her more and more. If he wasn't reading to her, he would just hold her and talk to her about whatever might enter his mind.

They often talked for hours and filled each other in on the events of the least thirteen years of their lives. They talked of their experiences and of plans that they had once dreamed about.

Some nights they would make love for hours, exploring all of the memories of things they liked or wanted to try. He tried to be careful of any of the rough stuff for fear of harming her. However, she explained to him that when he let himself go and made love to her with nothing held back it helped her because something other than the illness had control over what was happening to her. The way he made her feel pushed the pain away.

It had been nine months when she started getting worse. It wasn't a gradual decline as far as he was able to see. One day, she was fine and then the next day, she couldn't walk on her own. She started forgetting things and getting lost even when she was standing still. She wasn't able to go about her normal routine without needing help. It was when she could no longer hold a pen in her hand and write that he felt something break within him.

Being unable to write after it had been her soul for all of her life impacted her ability to continue to keep up a brave front for him. It was also the sign that forced him to accept that their time together was running out.

He spent more time holding her as they talked. Invariably, their conversations would turn into spiritual discussions. Being together again like they were meant to be, he found himself once again embracing his spirituality and pondering his entire belief system in a way that he hadn't done in years.

"I'm not sure that thirteen was the charm," she said weakly one night. "No eternal happiness for us this time."

"I'll see you in the fourteenth, love. Don't you ever doubt that I will find you again."

"I'm not ready, Reid," her voice broke and sent a pain through his heart. "I'm not strong enough to face this like I thought I was."

"You're not alone, Jhaidan ... my Jaguar. You're not going to have to deal with any of this without me by your side."

"I'm scared," she admitted softly. "I'm not as brave as I wanted to be for you."

"You don't need to be brave for me, love. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here with you for as long as we've got left."

It was the conversation that they had when she was barely hanging on that would be the one to stay with him forever...

_He was on the bed with her, and she was curled into body with his arms wrapped around her. She had lost so much weight that he had to be careful not to crush her when he held her to him tightly._

_Her body was barely managing to function like she needed it to and both of them knew that they would be facing the end soon._

_"I used to dream about you all of the time." Her voice was just a whisper from the pain and the effects of the medication she was on. He knew that it took her quite a bit of effort for her to talk to him through her pain._

_"You did?" He kissed the top of her head._

_"Yes," she admitted. "I would dream that you found me. You would bust through my door, shove me up against a wall and kiss me until I could barely breathe. Then you would scoop me up and take me home." She swallowed and he felt her body tense against his with the pain. "Sometimes, I would dream that you found me and just held me close, never willing to let me go."_

_"I would have done exactly that, love," he assured her. "You're mine and I would have found you and reminded you of that."_

_"When they told me what was going to happen to me, all I wanted was for you to come busting through the door and carry me away from all of that." She swallowed again, wetting her lips. "Which, made no sense because I was the one who had run away from you in the first place."_

_"That doesn't matter, love. If I had known that you needed me, I would have been there no matter what. No one could have kept me away from you in that case."_

_"After the way I left the country, I wasn't sure you would come for me if I called you."_

_"I would have come for you if I had known you needed me. You wouldn't have had to go through so much of the pain and fear by yourself." His voice was soft as he kissed her forehead. "I wasn't there when you needed me before, but I promised myself that the next time that you needed me, I would be there and I would make it up to you."_

_He held her close, feeling that it was almost over._

_"I was very young then and I acted more with passionate emotions than logic." She turned her head up as much as she could. "I made such a nightmare for us both and I am so sorry, Reid. So sorry, my Black Orchid. Can you ever forgive me?"_

_"Oh love," he whispered. "I forgave you a very long time ago but we were both at fault. I'm only sorry that you carried such guilt along for so long. I love you, no matter the circumstances of our past were."_

_"That's good to know, my Lord of the Valley of the Black Orchids." She sighed softly. "I love you, Reid. I will always love you."_

_Tears stung Reid's eyes because he knew that this was the final goodbye for the two of them._

_"I love you and will always love you, Jhaidan, my fierce Jaguar."_

_"I'm so tired, Reid."_

_"I know, love," he said gently with tears in his eyes. "You close your eyes and sleep. I'll stay right here with you."_

_He felt her close her eyes and then let out a sigh._

_He lay down, holding her against him. He tried to get some rest, but there was no way he could. That was why he was awake and holding her when the life left her body._

 

Now, he sat on the bed they had shared for such a short time and stared into the dimness of the room. He couldn't believe that she was gone. No matter how much preparation he had tried to do for this, he couldn't seem to accept what had happened. It was like he thought if he didn't accept it then it would never happen. He had fought against everything else in his life and had gotten his way. That didn’t work this time and it had been too soon that the light had been taken out of his life again.

Jhaidan had tried to get him to promise that he wouldn’t mourn her, but he had refused to give her that promise. He would have promised her almost anything in the world, but even at the end, he couldn’t do that. To pretend that he agreed to it – to say that he wouldn’t mourn her would be like someone saying that she had never existed. To refuse to mourn her would have been to deny how much she had meant to him and he just wouldn’t allow that to be even a thought in anyone’s mind. He didn’t really care what they thought of him personally, but he would not have any doubts cast on how much the two of them had loved each other.

To even pretend such a thing would have been the coward’s way out.

For thirteen years he had thought the worst of her and allowed her to think that he didn’t care about her. It was a mistake that he would never be able to take back, but he wouldn’t fail her again by pretending to the world that he could move on so easily from her.

His Jaguar wasn’t the kind of woman that you just moved on from.

He ran his hand through his hair and looked down at the floor. This hurt a hell of a lot more than he knew how to handle. He knew that it would hurt – fuck, how could it not hurt? He just spent the last few months watching his soul mate and the only woman he would ever love so completely waste away to nothing. He had held her in his arms as she died. On the one hand, he wouldn’t have changed being there for her for anything in the world. He was glad that he got even that short amount of time with her; that he had been able to offer what comfort he had been able to when she needed it.

On the other hand, he would have done almost anything to have gotten more time with her. There was so much that they had been robbed of and there was so much that they had needed to make up for.

There were so many things that he had needed to make up to her – so many things that she had deserved and had been robbed of. She was too damn young to die like she had.

He didn’t care that she told him that the last year with him had made everything worth it. She had deserved so much more and all of that had been stolen from her. That damn illness had stolen everything from her and then death had taken her from him.

He wasn’t used to feeling like ranting and raving against something that he knew couldn’t be changed. It wasn’t like Jhaidan had run away from him again and it wasn’t like he could send out private investigators to find her and bring her back to him. He wasn’t Orpheus and she wasn’t Eurydice. (Although, if he did have the chance that Orpheus did, he would never have risked Jhaidan by looking for her before he was supposed to. Stupid idiotic man to risk everything because he had a moment of doubt.)

He got up from the bed and walked over to the writing desk Jhaidan had used before it became too difficult for her to sit up in the chair. He ran his hand against the smooth wood and then down along the indentations of the lowered roll top. He hadn’t paid much attention to the desk since she had stopped being able to use it. There were several images in his head of him sitting in one of the easy chairs and watching her as she worked.

Sighing, and not understanding why he was torturing himself this way right now, he sat down in her chair and slowly opened the roll top of the desk and pushed it back until it locked into place.

To his surprise, the desk had been straightened up and there was an envelope sitting in the middle of her desk with his name written on it. Next to the envelope was a single dark-colored orchid made of silk. He frowned, because the handwriting was Jhaidan’s, but he knew that no one had been in the desk since he helped Jhaidan box up her work to send on to her publisher. When had the letter and flower been placed in here? Where had the flower come from?

He reached to pick up the envelope and realized that his hand was shaking. Taking a deep breath, he opened the envelope and pulled out the single sheet of paper that was waiting inside.

_Reid,_

_No matter what happens, never forget how much I love you. I know that it seems hard right now, but I know that you can get through this. You’ve always been so strong even with things that you never like to think about. I want you to believe me when I say that this year has been amazing for me. Just having this time to be with you has made everything worth it. I can imagine the face that you’re making as you read this, but do not doubt that I mean every word I say – especially now. Being able to have this final amount of time to spend with you has made me less afraid of everything that comes next. I know this sounds trite, but death is not the ending. You taught me that and you’ve gotten me to believe that again. I now know that I’ll see you soon, but I hope not too soon. You have a wonderful life still ahead of you, Reid. Live life and enjoy it, sweetheart. I love you so much and I always will. When the days are hard, just remember that simple fact._

_Love always,  
Jhaidan_


End file.
